I Can't Wait To Go Home
by NotYetLostFaith
Summary: The team haven't seen each other in years, after a massive trauma tore them all apart. As they gather once more, brought together for the memorial, they can't help but remember the terrible events that brought them all there.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note:-_ This is gonna be a slow burn, so keep with it. The first three chapters are written and a new chapter will be uploaded every weekend. It's very loosely based on Ed Sheeran's Castle On The Hill but if any of you can work out how I'll be surprised haha. Enjoy, let me know what you think, NYLF xx

* * *

 _As the dust settled, and the shock waves dissipated, the momentary silence was suddenly broken by_

 _a cacophony of noises._

 _People screaming, crying, people yelling out for the survivors, their partners, their family._

* * *

Castle turned up his jacket collar against the worst of the weather, as he looked up at the twelfth precinct.

It had been so long since he'd been back.

It didn't seem real that it was so long ago, and yet it looked as though it had never happened, as though some lunatic had never thought it was a good idea to blow up a police precinct in the middle of the day.

He shook his head to himself, keeping his body safely tucked in his jacket, as he watched people fill up the street in front of the steps his friends had run up and down for years.

Five years really was such a long time.

* * *

 _Castle groaned, trying to get his bearings as quickly as possible, despite the blinding pain racing through his entire body._

 _They'd been sat in the squad room, trading banter and laughing, while they wrote up the paperwork from the last case. Jenny was sat with them, waiting for Ryan to get back so they could go to lunch, telling them all with sparkly eyes, and teeth filled smiles, about Ryan finally being able to feel their baby kick._

 _Everything had been normal._

 _Then suddenly it wasn't._

 _Rick took a few deep breaths, trying to pinpoint what he was sure were several injuries._

 _He couldn't move, but as his eyes slowly got used to the dimmed light around him, he realised that wasn't his body not working. He was pinned on his right side by what must be Kate's desk._

 _Oh god,_ Kate _._

* * *

He watched quietly, taking in the gathering.

There were plenty of faces he recognised, but some things never change, he could still spot her in any crowd.

He watched her, watching as she scanned her surroundings carefully, rabbit in the headlights, still watching for any danger.

Once a cop, always a cop.

* * *

 _He looked around frantically, spotting her caramel curls by his knees. She was facing away from him and her body was contorted into a position even_ her _flexible figure shouldn't be able to achieve._

" _Kate?" He tried, croaking the sound into the dust filled darkness. He tried to move his leg, managing to shift his left leg enough to gently nudge the back of her head. "Kate, baby, you okay?"_

 _He nudged her once more, getting a groan in response, which, as pain filled as it was, was music to his ears._

" _Don't call me baby." She muttered, grimacing as she pulled herself up into seated position._

 _Castle laughed, a little hysterical. "Hey, I'll call you anything you want if you tell me you're okay." He promised._

* * *

She hadn't spotted anyone yet, she wasn't even sure they were coming.

So much had happened, so much was broken now.

They had been family once, but she couldn't honestly say that she still even knew them. Their lives had all changed so much that day, and she wasn't sure she'd be able to recognise her old team if they were stood in front of her now.

Her heart ached, but she couldn't regret being here.

They had all lost so many people that day, they deserved one evening out of her time, even if it did make old dragons rear their ugly heads in her psyche.

* * *

 _Kate looked around her, trying to make sense of the scene before her._

 _One minute they were sat at her desk, everything was fine, and now everything had gone to hell._

 _She cradled her head with one hand while the other landed on Castle's ankle._

" _I'm okay, just a bit banged up. How you doing?" She asked slowly, a definite concussion causing a slight slur in her words._

" _I, uh, I don't really know." He told her quietly. "I think I'm okay." He looked around, Kate following his example as they tried to piece together what had happened._

" _Some sort of explosion, right?" Castle murmured._

" _It had to be right on top of us to cause this kind of devastation." Kate replied quietly, before gasping. "Jenny and the baby!" She cried, standing too quickly but she had to know._

 _She stepped carefully, not sure of the floor's integrity right now._

 _Light but quick on her feet, she made her way over to where she presumed her desk used to be. She managed to stop one step away from the devastating open mouth of the crater where her squad room had been._

 _Ground zero._

 _She slowly got to her knees, peering over, her heart lurching at the chaos beneath them._

 _Debris and bodies were strewn around like bits of sea glass, carelessly tossed from the ocean._

 _Kate did what she did best and tried to document the scene, but she had to look away when an all too familiar face looked up at her from under what used to be the floor._

 _Jenny's eyes were open, lifeless, and if that wasn't enough to confirm the detective's worst fears, the crushed left side of her head did._

 _Ryan's wife and baby were gone._

* * *

She found herself tracing the names on the memorial board, the brass plaque reminding them all why they were there, as if any of them could forget.

Her eyes stuck on the name that they had all fought with all their strength to have included.

Jennifer Scout Duffy O'Malley Ryan. She was etched forever among the names of the fallen, as much a part of their team as anyone else, had only been there to meet her husband for lunch. She was theirs, and they would have fought till death to have her included.

* * *

 _Kate shuffled_ _back to Castle's side, her eyes prickling with tears that she couldn't let fall yet. She needed to get them both out, neither of them could be sure that the threat was over, and there were almost certainly secondary dangers they had to think about._

" _She didn't make it, huh?" Castle murmured quietly, his voice thick with emotion._

 _Kate shook her head, running her fingers through her hair, before sliding the hair tie on her wrist into the dirty strands, grimacing at the dust, grime, and what had to be her own blood, that had clung to the strands. With her hair up, she could concentrate better on the situation at hand._

 _She took in her partner's situation, realising immediately that he was worse off than he had told her. He was pinned to the wall beside Interrogation, her desk crushed against his side._

 _Her mind immediately jumped to worrying about rib injuries._

" _Castle, I need you to be honest, what hurts?" She fussed, taking out her phone with one hand while gently taking his hand with the other, needing the comforting touch almost as much as she was sure he did._

 _She woke the phone up, ignoring the cracked face for now. By some grace of god, it still worked, and that's what mattered now. She lit up her torch and aimed it at his chest, making sure not to blind him with it._

" _Nothing feels broken, miraculously. I think my leg is trapped though, think the desk landed on it." He winced as she tried to get a closer look, leaning over him. He slid his hand down her back, hand landing on the back of her thigh. He needed to hold onto her, feel the warmth of her body, couldn't believe how lucky they were to both be having this conversation._

 _Kate aimed the torch beam at his leg, her breath catching in her chest when she saw the extent of damage that had occurred. His pant leg was torn around the injury site, the skin livid purple underneath, but that wasn't what she was most worried about. His leg was alarmingly colder beneath the edge of the desk._

 _She couldn't tell if it was from the injury or the desk, but she knew they had to get out of here, soon, and if his leg was dying, they had even less of a chance of getting out safely than they did now._

" _Castle I think we need to move the desk." She murmured._

 _Castle groaned. "That's gonna hurt." He winced._

" _I know, I know babe, but your leg is getting cold and I'm worried about blood flow."_

 _Rick increased his grip on her leg. "Can you move it?"_

 _He knew how heavy that desk was, before it had landed on him, but now he was acutely aware that it was solid._

 _Kate shrugged. "I think I have to try." She brought her eyes up to meet his. "I, I'm so scared." She murmured wetly, letting her head rest on his shoulder for just a moment, letting him cup the back of her neck while she buried her face in his._

 _Under the smoke, and the dust, and everything else in the air, she could still faintly smell the aftershave she had watched him put on that morning, in her bathroom, while she sat across from him, sipping the coffee he had made her._

 _They were perfect together, this was so perfect, and a small selfish part of her couldn't help but question if this was the universe's price for their happiness._

 _She pulled back slowly, cupping his cheek, leaning into him and sealing their lips together for a moment. When she pulled away, she could see the determination on his face._

" _Okay. Do it." He pushed through gritted teeth._

 _Kate steeled herself, getting a good grip on the bottom of the desk, before pulling it up off his leg. Rick gasped out, loudly, at the release in pressure and Kate tried to push the desk away from them, but she'd barely pushed it clear from his thigh when it hit debris and slipped from her fingers._

 _Rick screamed out as the desk landed on his hand, and the sickening crunch of a crushing break echoed around them._

" _Shit!" Kate cried, "Rick, I'm so sorry!" She scrambled to grip the desk again, but he batted her away with his free hand._

" _Stop! Just stop! You've done enough." He grimaced as pain coursed through his entire system._

 _Kate pulled her self away from him quickly, curing into her bent up knees as she leaned against the wall a few feet from him._

 _She'd made it worse, and now couldn't look him in the eye._


	2. Chapter 2

Esposito couldn't help but feel out of place.

His colleagues, friends, and family had all been inside when the bomb had detonated.

So many people had died, there were so many funerals in the weeks following that day, so many cops in their dress blues, so many flowers carpeting the street outside the precinct.

So many of those who _had_ survived had suffered life altering injuries, lost limbs, career ending physical and psychological injuries.

But he hadn't been there.

He had escaped with his life and his body intact, suffering from only second-hand trauma from the event.

He watched solemnly from his place opposite the main entrance, as the street filled with familiar faces, many whom were his brothers in arms. The thin blue line was out in force, it always was when it came to remembering their own.

He hated that yet more names of his police family had been added to the Fallen and he couldn't have done anything to stop it. Hated more that he was the only member of his former homicide squad team that still worked in what had been a second home for them all, was the only one who got to see the life affirming process of the precinct being restored to its former state.

* * *

 _Esposito jumped from his car, leaving the engine running and the driver's side door open, running full pelt at the building's entrance, only to be caught under the arms by two detectives before he could even step foot on the first step. He'd been chasing a lead, had heard the radio call of an explosion at the precinct. He'd thrown on his blues and twos and raced back to the 12_ _th_ _as quickly as traffic would allow, desperate to get back and find out what was going on._

" _My team are in there!" He shouted, pleaded, begging and he knew it, but in that moment, he didn't care. He couldn't care when his family were in the eye of the storm._

" _There are a lot of people in there, you still can't go in until the fire department check it, you know that." The detective to his left told him, though his voice wobbled. None of the people watching could be unaffected. The entire homicide floor had just exploded in front of their very eyes, smoke and debris pouring from the shattered windows of Homicide and the floor below. They were all shaken up, but they all knew better than to charge in there. They were friends, and family, but they had to be cops first, had to supress that protective instinct in them in favour of self-preservation. Who knows what they could be running into._

" _I need to get to my team!" Esposito struggled against his captors before slumping, knowing they wouldn't let him go, and knowing that was best. He gently pulled his arms free and stood shoulder to shoulder with his fellow witnesses, only able to watch as the devastation continued._

 _Behind them, Esposito heard slow, dragged footsteps coming to join them, the noise somehow reaching him through the utter chaos. He turned to find his ashen faced partner coming to his side. Ryan looked up at the building, eyes wide and mouth open, tears already starting to bead in his eyes._

 _He swallowed hard. "Jenny's in there." He whispered, his entire body trembling, before he fell to his knees._

* * *

Esposito spotted his old boss in the crowd and took a deep, fortifying breath before making his way over to her.

"Hey, Kate." He murmured, making her jump as she turned to him. He gave her a soft smile, glad that _she_ at least hadn't changed.

"Javi, hi. Sorry, I didn't see you." She smiled at him weakly before drawing him in for a quick hug, rubbing his back gently. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay, how've you been, it's been a while." Espo murmured back. They hadn't seen each other in nearly two years, not since she had come to meet his daughter when the baby was very first home, and it had been months since they last spoke.

The bomb, and its immediate aftermath, had torn apart more than just the building they had called home.

"I'm good, thanks." Kate smiled softly. "How's Holly? The last time we spoke you guys were having issues...?" She probed gently, her heart sinking when he shrugged with a lopsided half smile. She hoped this wasn't happening again for him.

"She's great, we're not though." He shrugged. "She's asked for a divorce."

Kate sighed softly. "Oh Javi, I'm sorry." She murmured, gripping his shoulder gently. She'd been there when he and Lanie had divorced and she'd taken their three-month-old son Levi across the country, about eighteen months after the bomb. They'd only been married a year, clinging to each other in the aftermath and then falling pregnant unexpectedly.

She'd seen both sides of that divorce and knew that everything surrounding the bomb had changed the ex-soldier beyond anything any of them recognised.

He saw his son in the holidays, but he and Lanie barely spoke now.

"Yeah, it kinda sucks, but I don't blame her. Things haven't been right for a while and Lyra deserves better than to see her parents fight all the time."

Kate sighed softly. "You guys worked out how you'll handle childcare?" She asked gently, knowing how much losing out on his son growing up had affected him. She wasn't sure he would cope if Holly took their two-year-old from him.

"We're going to try me seeing her on the weekends and see how it goes." Espo smiled softly. "Whatever is best for Lyra y'know?"

* * *

 _Espo stood beside his partner, watching the smoke billowing from the homicide floor, hoping beyond hope that his team were helping each other get out of there. He knew Kate was resourceful, and Castle thought outside the box, and Jenny was kind, they would all help each other, provided they were all in the position to do so._

 _By god he hoped he wouldn't have to attend their funerals in the near future._

 _He wanted them to be safe, to get out of there with minor injuries at most. Hell, he'd settle for major injuries at this point, so long as they made it out of there alive and made it to medical attention in time._

 _He'd seen enough death in his time, both with the army before and now the force, but he knew that finding any of his family dead in that building, would break him beyond repair._

* * *

"I'm sorry, Javi." Kate murmured softly.

Espo shook his head, shrugging sadly. "I'm gonna try therapy. Think talking about it might help, maybe."

Kate smiled at him softly, grateful he had finally come to that by himself.

They had all had mandatory psyche evaluations after the bomb, even though it had been unnecessary for both she and Castle, their captain having insisted they participate anyway, but she knew her ex colleague hadn't rated it very highly.

"I can't say I think it would be a bad thing." She shrugged. "Talking about him will help you." She murmured, careful of the touchy subject.

Espo flinched but nodded all the same. He knew she was right, no matter how hard that would be for him.

He hadn't spoken about any of it since it had all happened, and he knew it was part of what was tearing him apart.

* * *

 _Ryan wouldn't stop praying._

 _He begged God to save his wife and child, begged to see his partner and Castle again, begged for everyone to make it out alive._

 _He begged, silently, on his knees with his hands clasped in his lap, for what seemed like days._

 _He didn't watch as the firefighters went into the building, didn't watch as the first few people were evacuated, didn't watch as ambulances arrived and started taking people away. He didn't watch as they started to pull people from the rubble._

 _He only prayed._

 _He didn't stop until a firefighter gently placed his hand on his shoulder, hours later, and gripped softly._

 _Ryan startled, looking up hopefully until he noticed his kind, solemn eyes._

 _Espo had provided a picture of their three, knowing it was a long shot but asking them to keep an eye out for them. Asking that if they found their bodies, or even thought they had, they would tell them first. No one had been out to speak to them yet._

" _No." Ryan murmured, unable to add voice to the thought._

" _We found the body of a woman, she looked to be blonde and she was about six months pregnant." The firefighter told him carefully._

 _Ryan felt the bottom fall out of his stomach._

" _Can you describe what your wife was wearing please?" The firefighter continued._

 _Ryan swallowed, gathering strength, holding onto the tiny bead of hope that it wasn't her. "She's wearing white, flared, cotton trousers, light purple sneakers and a baby blue maternity top with a lace pattern around the neck." He recited, having watched her get ready while he'd been in bed that morning. She'd woken up, needing the bathroom, about half an hour before he needed to be up, and had decided to just get ready for the day. She was supposed to be looking at cribs today, telling him about what she'd found over their lunch date._

 _Ryan saw it fall across the other man's face._

" _I'm sorry." The firefighter apologised sincerely. "We would need you to identify her officially, but it looks like it was her."_

 _Ryan couldn't speak, couldn't move, and suddenly, in that single moment, he lost all faith in a higher power and any will to carry on._


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note:-_ So it's long and early, I'm sure I'll hear so many complaints about that haha! For the reviewer who was wondering, I would place the bombing in the middle of season five ish, anytime before Still. And this will get worse before it gets better, sorry haha. Enjoy, let me know what you think, NYLF xx

* * *

"Castle's over there." Javi murmured, pointing with his chin, after a few moments of silence between them, not sure if she'd noticed him yet.

Kate looked up quickly, her spine stiffening and heart stumbling when she spotted him, before looking back. "So he is." She nodded, clenching her fists tightly. After all this time and everything that happened he still had such a hold on her.

Espo sighed deeply, her reaction too visceral for him to not notice. "What _happened_ in there, Kate?" He murmured, never really understanding what had led to their break up. "You guys were so good together, and then you guys were trapped in there for four hours, and then we don't see you for months, and hear that you quit the force from the Captain because you couldn't even tell us personally. Then he runs away to the Hamptons, and you go to California, neither of you seeing each other what, like ever again? What _happened_ in there?" He asked, having waited this long but seeing how the writer still affected her, he could understand their breakup even less.

Kate shook her head tightly, her memory cycling through Castle's screams as she had dropped the desk, him slipping in and out of delirium due to the pain, her sobbing, having to watch him in so much pain knowing she had caused it. "I don't want to talk about it."

* * *

 _Kate stared off into space while the doctors assessed her chest and head, again._

 _She knew that her injuries were nothing to be written off, but they weren't serious enough to need to have seen half the hospital, which she was sure she had at this point._

 _She'd been fine in the ambulance, unable to look at Rick, them both hopped up on painkillers and hidden behind oxygen masks, but had kept her hand secure on his ankle, needing the tangible evidence that he was alive beside her. She'd overheard the paramedics talking when they were checking them over, the writer had two cracked ribs and severe bruising. She'd saved his leg though; they'd told her he could have lost it without her quick thinking which had left him with only bruising and broken skin._

 _She'd started trembling the closer they got to the hospital, going into shock now that the adrenalin was wearing off, letting her be Kate, rather than a detective. She'd been okay though, and then they had wheeled Rick away from her, to take him to surgery._

 _Then she'd started screaming._

 _They'd begged her to calm down, worried about her hurting herself, making her own injuries worse, but she couldn't bear to be away from him. She'd screamed, and cried and begged them to keep them together, until they'd sedated her, so they could assess her properly, made her calm and still enough for them to scan her and do all their tests._

 _She was quiet now._

 _They'd been apart for a few hours, and Kate could feel her body trembling again with the need to check on him. He'd been in surgery since they arrived. His hand was bad. Very bad. Potential for finger loss bad._

 _She wasn't sure she would ever look him in the eye again. She couldn't face him in light of what she'd done._

 _She felt a little ridiculous._

 _Jenny was dead. Ryan had lost his whole family, and countless others hadn't survived, and she was freaking out about some lost fingers._

 _But they were_ his _fingers, it was_ his _hand, that beautiful hand that created those wonderful words and if he lost that because of her he would never forgive her. She'd never forgive herself._

 _They were trying to save his hand, to repair as much damage as they could. But his hand had been crushed and trapped for nearly four hours. They weren't hopeful._

 _Kate sighed, painfully, when the doctor finally left her alone. She hadn't been paying attention to what they'd said after they'd told her what was wrong with her. Her humerus and radius were both fractured, so her left arm was casted from the middle of her bicep to her fingers. She had a linear skull fracture and a bruised left lung they'd told her she was lucky weren't worse, as well as a hairline fracture in her T10 vertebrae. They'd all marvelled how she hadn't realised how injured she was before, how she'd still managed to lift the desk from her partner's leg. One nurse had gone as far as to equate it to hysterical strength. Kate had shrugged it off. He needed her. She'd helped. That's what they did for each other._

 _She couldn't process it all, the whole situation made her soul hurt. She knew she was being selfish, and insular, and narrow minded but she couldn't bring herself to think about the wider loss of life, or the building, or the person who had caused all of this. All she could think about was Rick. The man whose arms she had woken up in this morning, feeling safer than she had in years._

 _They were supposed to have a date night later, she'd picked out a dress. She'd made up her mind, had been smiling at the thought all morning before their world imploded, tonight was the night she was going to tell him that she loved him._

 _She shook her head, letting the tears fall as she sobbed. She'd damaged him, potentially irreparably. She couldn't, he wouldn't, how would they ever survive that?_

 _She slipped off the bed, glad they had given her scrubs instead of a gown, at her insistence. She collected her bag and went to the nurses' station. He'd live, she knew that. She'd call his family, ensure they knew where to find him, but she couldn't face the aftermath of this, couldn't stay and watch him hate her. She wasn't strong enough to watch the best thing that had ever happened to her crumble because of her actions._

 _So, she did what she did best._

 _Kate checked herself out, against medical advice, and ran._

* * *

Castle took a deep breath, steeling himself, before making his way over to where Kate and Espo were stood slowly.

It had been so long since he'd seen them both, hadn't seen Kate since the ambulance and even that he didn't really remember, and hadn't seen Espo since the funerals.

His body ached with the thought of the distance that had existed between them, how long it had been since they had been his second family, his girlfriend, but five years was long enough.

Esposito spotted him first, and Castle felt his, long dormant, heart ache as he watched the ex-soldier murmur to Kate, and her entire body stiffen at the thought of even being in his presence. He watched her spine straighten, could imagine her jaw clenching. His hands burned with the need to touch her, to massage that tension out of her shoulders, to feel her muscles relax against him. He could still acutely remember the feel of her lithe body beneath his hands, the image permanently branded into his brain.

He still didn't have the whole picture of what happened between himself and Kate but seeing her react so badly at the thought of them even talking hurt.

"Hey, man." Esposito greeted, his smile genuine if not a little awkward, half moving to shake his hand, cutting the move off though before Castle could notice. He didn't want to cause more awkwardness and he'd heard about the writer's damaged right hand through the grapevine. "How've you been?"

Castle shrugged, granting the detective a small smile. "Not bad, yourself?" He managed to not stare at her, but he had noticed that Kate hadn't even looked at him. He tried to maintain eye contact with Esposito, tried to ignore his ex's presence, tried not to tune into her breathing, tried not to need to reach out to her. He was mostly succeeding.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Espo shrugged. Talking to Kate about his marital problems was one thing but he hadn't seen the writer in nearly five years. Besides, his and the writer's bond had never been as strong as he and Kate's.

"Excuse me." Kate murmured, not even glancing at Castle, capturing and squeezing Esposito's hand gently. "Email me, yeah?" She asked, a little shy, but looking pointedly at Esposito's face. She waited for him to nod, registering that he was resigned to that being the end of their face to face conversation and feeling a little bad, but she couldn't stay now, before turning heel and walking away. _Running_ away, her brain helpfully provided.

Rick sighed, watching her go, sadly. "She hates me, huh?" He murmured, shaking his head, gripping the bridge of his nose with his left hand, trying to rub away the headache forming between his eyes, loving her hurt now.

"I don't think it's _hate_ , bro." Esposito murmured sadly.

They hadn't really spoken of Castle, Kate always changing the subject whenever her ex came up, but Espo knew that the ex-cop could never hate the man, knew that it wasn't hate she felt around him.

"Go after her." He murmured bravely before pausing, unsure whether to break his friend's confidence or not. They'd been apart for so long, but she was so sad. "She still thinks about you." Esposito divulged quietly, she'd told him as much when they'd both drunk too much after his first divorce.

Rick looked at him sharply, shock rocketing through him. After all this time, she still thought about him too?

"Go after her." Espo urged.

* * *

 _When Rick came to, his heavily bandaged hand was clasped by his daughter, his mother stood at the end of his bed, wringing her hands, but his girlfriend was nowhere to be seen._

" _What happened?" He asked, his voice croaking and his mouth full of cotton. Anaesthetic always did such a number on him._

" _Daddy!" Alexis cried, burying her face in his shoulder as she sobbed._

" _Oh, Richard." Martha sighed, relief flooding her system, as she gripped the end of his bed with both hands, her knees threatening to collapse at the sight of him conscious and alive. "We were so worried. How are you feeling?"_

" _I'm okay." He smiled a little, wrapping his arm more firmly around his daughter, cradling his baby tightly, ignoring for now the pain in his chest and hand, the sensation dulled by the medication anyway. "What happened?" He repeated gently, needing to get some sort of answer._

" _There was an explosion. They're saying it was a_ bomb _. It's being investigated now." Martha explained slowly. Her eyes told him everything he needed to know. There was too much sorrow for it not to be bad._

" _How many?" He asked quietly, cautious of his daughter, but needing to know. He knew there would be a death toll, that much was obvious. But it had been the middle of the day and what looked like two floors at least of a police precinct exploded from under them._

" _Twenty-eight, including Detective Ryan's pregnant wife." Martha murmured, nodding, giving her son a moment when his eyes slipped shut and he buried his face in his daughter's hair. "They say it may yet rise," she continued softly, "many are still in critical conditions and they are still dealing with the building itself." She paused. "They aren't even sure they've found everyone yet."_

 _Rick gripped his daughter a little tighter, gulping. He lifted his face from his daughter's crown, squeezing her shoulder as she sat up a little. "Is Kate okay?" He asked quietly. He was ashamed to admit, if only to himself, he hadn't really kept track of her after his hand had been crushed. He needed to apologise for snapping at her, knew he'd hurt her._

 _Martha paused, unwilling to hurt him further but knowing he needed to know. "I haven't seen her." She murmured, heart aching for her son when his eyes flew to hers._

" _What?" Rick gasped._

" _She called me, wanted to make sure I knew that you were okay, that you were here and out." She smiled sadly, so very grateful for that call. "But by the time we got here, she'd checked herself out and had gone. No one knows where she is." She confessed solemnly._


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note:- I have to say I'm kinda disappointed. I am aware that every story isn't everyone's cup of tea and if you want to critique my story that's fine, to each their own, but I will not stand for people hating on other fanfic writers on my story. We all work very hard crafting stories for this community in our free time and I will not tolerate hate for that. I also will not tolerate hating on these characters for something that is cannon or for something that has nothing to do with the story I am creating. If you have nothing nice to say, please don't review. Thank you for the people who support me and are kind. NYLF

* * *

"Kate!" Castle called, jogging to catch up with her. He hoped she'd stop, running still made the scar on his thigh pull.

She stopped, abruptly, and waited for him to catch up to her, blowing out a breath harshly, knowing full well that he wouldn't stop following so she may as well wait for him.

"What, Castle?" She sighed roughly, emotion turning her voice to gravel but this conversation was inevitable, and she knew it, may as well get it over with.

"I just," Castle shrugged, coming to a halt beside her, his left hand closing some warmth into the scar on his leg, "I haven't seen you in five years Kate, I just, wanted to talk."

Kate sighed, her chest tight and her heart heavy. She hated this whole situation.

She wouldn't look up, still couldn't look at him even after all this time. Her heart hurt just being this close to him and she hated that.

"I heard your business is doing well." He murmured, trying for passive encouragement. Before everything, they had been friends, very good friends, and even if they would never be anything more than that again, he missed her friendship terribly.

He'd kept an eye on her from afar, social media and the press having helped for the first few months until she'd dropped out of any public eye, and he could only gauge how she was doing through her product launches and word of mouth. And, not that he'd ever tell her, but he'd called her dad at least once a year, just to check in. He and the elder man had only met a handful of times, but Castle knew her father and she were close. Rick had never asked Jim to keep it a secret, but he had a feeling he had.

He'd mourned for the city's loss when she left the force, even if he hadn't blamed her a single iota, watched with pride, and not a little confusion, as she'd graduated with a fashion degree of all things and opened her own business of specifically designed accessible clothing.

It was awesome, and so very her.

KC Clothing was storming the beaches of the fashion world and he was so proud of her and her partners.

"It's pretty cool, the easy fastenings and magnet use, I own a few of your shirts." He smiled, hoping it would be a boost, not expecting the grief that flooded her features, or the tumble it set his heart on.

"How _is_ your hand?" She asked quietly, unable to not ask now, but the question had her heart beating so fast. Even now, the whole thing made her stomach clench. Five years later and she still had nightmares about that day, still woke her neighbours with her screaming. They'd called the local police twice thinking she was in danger.

Castle shrugged, looking down at his damaged hand. It didn't hurt too badly today. "It's okay. Still doesn't work very well, but it's okay." He clenched his hand a couple of times, as if to demonstrate. "It's mostly the fine motor skills I lack now." He downplayed.

He wouldn't go into the pain management routine, that he'd rattle if he jumped on his worst days, he wasn't her burden to bear anymore.

Kate nodded, watching his hand movements closely.

The back of his hand was covered in scars, some clean surgical lines, some less so, from the crush breaks, the bones of his hand piercing the skin encasing them. She shuddered, swallowing hard to keep her stomach acid where it should be, at the memory of just how horrific it had looked when the firefighters finally did what she couldn't and freed him from the desk.

The first and second joint of his index finger were missing, and his middle finger was crooked, bent at a wonky angle where the bones didn't quite heal right, despite the plates and screws, but apart from that it looked normal enough.

"That's good." She nodded, ignoring the bile in the back of her throat, the burning of her eyes.

"Yeah, bet it takes hours to get through airport security." He tried to joke but it clearly fell flat with the woman before him. "But seriously, your shirts are awesome, really helps." He smiled, trying to lighten the topic.

Kate shrugged. "They were created to try and help _you_ so..."

Castle looked at her sharply. "What?"

Kate wouldn't look up from her shoes, but he could still see her blushing, that rose tint he used to love spreading across the stunning, if not scarily pronounced nowadays, lines of her cheek bones and tumbling down into the edge of her shirt. He loved chasing that blush with his mouth once upon a time, but now he'd give anything for her to just _look_ at him.

"Kate, I haven't seen you since the ambulance, how were they made for _me_?" He asked, confusion lacing every syllable.

She'd made clothes for him? Had started a business for him?

Kate slipped her hands into her pockets, shy now. "I, they were talking about your hand in the hospital." She shrugged, hesitating and knowing it wouldn't go down well, but having learned that clarity was better than subtext now. "I, I wanted to do something useful."

"But not useful as in _staying_? Or _supporting_ me? Or helping me through my _recovery_?" He snapped, five years' worth of confusion and anger bubbling to the surface. "You didn't even say _goodbye_!"

* * *

 _Castle's doctor had been by to talk to him about his hand, warning him that it in all likelihood it would take months of hard work and physio therapy before he could even do simple things, like button his own shirt and type by himself, the nerve and ligament damage had been that great. He'd need to watch for infection, and pay attention to how, especially his amputated finger, healed. He would need to come back every two weeks for a while to check on the plates and screws in his hand, to check how his bones were healing._

 _He had listened carefully but placidly, taken it in mostly, and arranged the necessary appointments without fuss._

 _It didn't feel real yet, not for him._

 _He hadn't really processed that he'd lost the use of his hand entirely for the foreseeable future, had lost half his finger, too preoccupied by everything else that had happened._

 _The death toll was steadily rising, Esposito hadn't heard from Kate but was too busy with the precinct to talk, and Kate's phone kept going straight to voicemail. He couldn't, wouldn't, call Ryan and he knew Kate wouldn't either._

 _But two weeks later, after he had been discharged, he felt his first hopelessness that he'd never get better, when he had to get his mother to dress him for Jenny's funeral._

 _He couldn't tie his tie, button his shirt or even zip up his pants and do the button. Humiliated and feeling useless and pathetic, he had to stand there like a child while his mother had helped dress him._

 _It was made so much worse, because it should have been Kate helping him, not his mom. But Kate was nowhere to be seen, and so he had to let Martha and Alexis help if he wanted to wear anything other than sweats and t-shirts._

 _He hated it, but it had to be done._

 _His hand was a mess of surgical bandages and stitches, and the wound on his leg, from where the desk had landed, was still open and raw despite the efforts to make the scar minimal. She'd saved his leg, and he'd be forever grateful for that, but she was gone._

 _He'd never regretted his actions more. He'd made what was already a horrific situation for her worse, and he had no idea how to even start to fix it._

 _He'd bribed a member of the hospital staff, had found out that Kate was badly injured, all he wanted to do was make sure she was okay, but no one knew where she was._

 _All he hoped for was that she was okay._

* * *

Kate took half a step back, shame colouring her cheeks. She was mortified at her actions even now. She had never thought leaving had been a _good_ idea, had always just thought it was the lesser of two evils, between leaving, and staying to watch him hate her. But seeing all the pain she had caused, scribbled all over his tired face now, made her feel sick.

"I'm, sorry." She murmured, stiltedly, knowing it wasn't enough but it was all she could offer. "I just, I couldn't face you." She shrugged, knowing that wasn't the whole truth but not brave enough to tell him all of it, despite everything.

"Couldn't _face_ me?" He cried, frustrated and confused. "You were my partner, my _girlfriend._ Our friends had just _died_ , and another had lost his _wife_ and _baby_ , his entire will to live, and you couldn't face me and my broken _hand_?" He knew he should lower his voice, soften his tone. Knew that he was going to cause a scene, knew that him snapping had started this spiral in the first place, but he couldn't contain it any longer. He couldn't be proper, and remember his etiquette, and be a gentleman. She had pulled apart their attempt at a future and he hated that he couldn't hate her. He was confused, and betrayed, and still didn't understand the logic that running from them was her best option.

Kate couldn't look up, every muscle trembling. She knew it was cowardly, but she was afraid. Not of him, never of him. She knew that no matter how far apart they drifted, he would never lay a hand on her in anger. But she was truly afraid that she actually _was_ the coward he thought her to be. Was truly afraid that for once, her cop instinct had been wrong, and the man she loved had only started to hate her once she had left him.

* * *

" _Hey." Esposito murmured quietly, greeting Castle with a tired, sad, smile as he made his way to sit beside him in the church. "Still no word from Kate then?"_

 _Castle shook his head, looking around him, slowly taking in the scene._

 _Jenny's funeral was already packed out, something that made Rick's heart glad, but the thing that held his gaze was his former team mate._

 _Ryan was sat in the front row, staring blankly ahead of him, ignoring everyone who tried to speak to him. His sisters were sat either side of him, greeting everyone who tried to give the man their condolences, seeming to know that the detective wouldn't say anything. Rick couldn't say it didn't frighten him._

" _No." He murmured, dragging his eyes back to the ex-soldier and his brain back to the man's question. "She's gone." He smiled sadly. "I doubt she'll come back."_

" _She might, maybe she's just processing." Espo knew it was a reach, but he was trying. He hated that this had torn them apart too. Hated that the first true happiness Kate had found in years had been shattered alongside their home._

 _Castle shrugged, unconvinced. "Maybe." He shook his head trying not to care. "Anyway, Kate isn't important today."_

 _Espo nodded. "Ryan hasn't said a word. I spoke to Gwen earlier, she said he hasn't spoken since he went to identify Jenny's body. Like literally not said a word. He arranged the funeral in silence, and they can't get anything out of him."_

 _Castle swallowed, hard. "Is he staying with his sisters?" He asked, silently hoping that the younger man had someone staying with him, someone to try and help him through this._

 _Espo shook his head. "They said that they tried but he wouldn't leave his and Jenny's apartment. Wouldn't let them stay with him either. He's barely moved from the nursery and their bed apparently." Espo replied gravely._

" _Someone needs to watch out for him." Castle murmured._

" _Why, you think...?" Espo trailed off, unable to voice that question. Not that Ryan would be the first cop he would have known to have swallowed their service piece, or take their prescription in one go, and most of them hadn't been through half of what the Irish detective had._

 _Castle shrugged, running his good hand across the back of his neck, nervously. "I just think we should watch out for him."_

* * *

Kate shrugged, shy and hating herself, rapidly realising that her interpretation of the situation may have been wrong. "I'm the reason your hand was damaged, that you were in so much pain. So I stayed away. And yeah, I should have _been_ there, and I should have _helped_ you, and I should have stayed, but I couldn't watch you go through pain and suffering that I had caused." She sighed deeply, running her shaking hand through her dark, straight hair, her fingers catching in the tangles. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

Castle shook his head, scoffing. "You caused more pain and suffering by leaving." He murmured, anger and petulance leaking through. She thought leaving was the right thing to do? Where and how did she get that idea?

Kate nodded, feeling oh so tiny now. "I know. I realise that now. I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't really good enough, Kate. I had no one. Espo had no one. And you put yourself in a situation where you also had no one. We could have all helped each other." Castle told her, more than a little angry. "We needed each other."

"You think I wouldn't change it if I could go back?" She snapped. "I was going to come back!"

* * *

 _Rick's cell buzzed loudly, jolting him awake. Kate's warm naked back disappeared from behind his eyes, as his dark, lonely bedroom filtered back in._

" _'Lo?" He greeted, ineloquently, looking at his alarm clock._

 _Five fifteen._

 _Shit, it was early._

 _The precinct wasn't open again yet._

" _Kate?" He asked hopefully, his heart sinking when the caller started talking._

" _It's Lanie. Sorry, Castle." The medical examiner murmured softly, truly sorry for her best friend's treatment of the writer._

" _S'kay." He murmured back. "Sup?" He asked, sitting up in bed._

 _He cleared his throat roughly, hoping it would bring back his words' missing syllables._

" _Castle, I," Lanie paused, unable to really believe what she was trying to tell him._

" _Lane, what is it?" Castle asked carefully. He could hear the tremble she was trying to hide. "What's happened?"_

 _Lanie sighed deeply, her chest cracking. "Rick, it's Kevin." She told him softly. "I'm at his apartment now. He died about half an hour ago."_

 _Rick went rigid, sorrow pulsing through his blood._

 _No._

 _Not Ryan._

" _They don't suspect foul play. It looks like a purposeful overdose." Lanie finished softly. "I just thought it was best that you hear it from one of us, and Javi is beside himself, he was the one who found him."_

" _Yeah, of course." Rick murmured. "Thanks for telling me." He nodded, his spare hand reaching to Kate's side of the bed, his body begging for her touch, needing her hold to keep him together._

 _Fuck, he missed her._

" _I'll, let me know if there's anything I can do?"_

" _Of course." Lanie all but whispered._

 _They said goodbye and Castle hung up the phone, placing it back in its previous position before curling around Kate's pillow, as the tears started to fall._

 _God, he needed her now._


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note:- I'v borrowed a line from Grey's Anatomy here haha, but the rest is mine.

* * *

"Kevin _killed himself_ , Kate." Castle's voice had lost all its venom, he sounded every one of his forty plus years and oh so tired. "He _killed_ himself, and you didn't even come back for his _funeral_."

"I was in the back." Kate corrected softly, a little hurt at the accusation even as she understood its origins. "I was there for Jenny's too, I just couldn't face anyone."

"We _needed_ you, Kate." Castle shook his head. " _I_ needed you."

"I know." She murmured. "I did what I always did, I ran when things got tough, and I can't apologise more. I, I wanted to come home so many times." She shrugged, remembering just how many nights she had sat up with a bottle of whiskey, her thumb hovering over his contact for hours. She had smashed so many phones that first year.

She wasn't allowed to call him. She couldn't do that to them.

"Then why didn't you? Kate, I wanted to _marry_ you! I wanted to spend my _life_ with you."

"I _damaged_ you!" Kate cried, her eyes red, and cheeks wet, screaming at the floor because she still couldn't look up. "I caused permanent damage to your hand! To your career! I've followed the fan sites, Rick, spoken to Alexis, you haven't written a book since. You're holed up in that _damn_ beach house, and not writing, and I _did_ that to you. How did you expect me to share your bed every night, when I know I'm the reason you might never write again?" She shrugged, suddenly losing all her fire as she slumped. "I had literally packed my bag, called my dad to say I'd be coming back, and that we should meet for coffee. And then Espo emailed me to say that Ryan had killed himself, and the funeral was in a few days." Kate murmured, wiping a rogue tear from her cheek. She shrugged, tucking her hands back in her pockets. "I came back for the funeral, of course, but I felt so out of place. Everything felt so foreign, and I felt so empty, the moment I stepped back into New York. I couldn't handle that feeling, and I knew that you would move on, that Alexis had your back, and you would be okay, but I just couldn't stay here. It didn't feel like home any more. It was awful."

Rick sighed deeply before getting to the crux of the issue. "You didn't do this Kate."

She nodded, looking slightly like the stubborn toddler he'd always hoped they'd have. "I dropped that desk on your hand. I crushed it. Whether you blame me or not, I am the reason." She insisted, voice wobbling hard.

"Kate," Rick sighed, slowly, letting her back away if she wanted, bringing his hands up to cup her cheeks, gently lifting her face to look at him. She flinched when she felt his rough, battered right hand, but let his palms cup her cheeks gently, closing her streaming eyes, she'd never make it through this night if she looked at him now. "I never blamed you. It wasn't your fault. That lunatic that set a bomb in homicide did this, not _you_ sweetheart." He murmured softly, pulling her into his chest when her face crumpled with tears, choked sobs tearing from her mouth, open against his collar bone. "I've never once blamed you, Kate."

* * *

 _Kate hadn't even gone to California before Jenny's funeral. By the time Ryan's happened, she had settled in a little, had started to make friends and connections. Had started to make it home._

 _Going back, watching her brother, her friend, be buried beside his wife and unborn child, had gutted her. She couldn't stay in that city any longer, it had just brought too much devastation to her life now. She couldn't face it._

 _She buried herself in setting up her home, in spending time with people she had become friends with in her brief time at Stanford and in her adult life, in trying to start a life now that she wasn't going to be a detective anymore._

 _She had tried, honest to goodness tried, to go back. She'd made it as far as the mandatory psyche evaluation, determined at the beginning to pass so she could go back as soon as her breaks had healed. But by the end of the hour she had spent hyperventilating at the idea of stepping back into a precinct, she had accepted that she didn't want to do this anymore. She didn't want to spend her life running_ towards _danger anymore._

 _It had killed her mother, gotten her shot, put her mentor and her team mate in the ground, and had given her PTSD to the point she couldn't even think of her ex lover's face without crying._

 _She was happy running_ away _from the danger from now on._

* * *

Castle ran his hand up and down her back, cradling the back of her skull with the other, holding her close and breathing her in. He could feel her ribs, hated how tiny she had become, and the trembling broke his heart. He gently squeezed her, before pulling back slowly, his breath catching when she immediately pulled herself upright.

"Sorry." She murmured, dragging her hands roughly over her cheeks, clearing her throat to try and rid herself of the evidence of her minor breakdown.

"It's okay." Rick murmured softly. "Are you, in the city long?" He asked, shy and unsure.

Kate shrugged. "I have a hotel room for the night, I didn't want to be time constrained by a plane ticket."

"Did you," he paused, reconsidering for a moment but realising that after everything he still wanted this, "do you still drink coffee?"

Kate's mouth popped open in surprise. "Um, sure? Why?" She asked, a little shy, a lot unsure.

"Wanna come drink it with me?" He offered, careful and hopeful.

She looked up, surprised, and felt her heartrate double when she finally looked into his warm kind eyes, the eyes that still held so much for her, even after everything.

"Um," she stated, ineloquent and unsure.

Rick shrugged. "You don't have to, just thought it would be good to, y'know, catch up?" He offered.

Kate nodded. "Uh, sure." She nodded again. "Sure." She threw her thumb over her shoulder, looking apologetic. "Let me just say goodbye to Espo properly?"

Castle smiled at her softly. "I'll be here."

* * *

 _Kate sat opposite her doctor, curled into herself, good hand hidden inside her soft grey Henley, her shoes slipped off and her toes curling in her cosy socks._

" _Kate, we have sat here in silence for two sessions now." Carter Burke reminded her, his deep soothing voice a familiar balm for Kate's frayed nerves. "Now I get paid whether you talk or not," he granted her a smile, a much larger and less shy version of the one she gave him, "but I do not think it is helpful for you to sit in this office in absolute silence." He told her gently._

 _Kate shrugged._

" _Kate, it's been three weeks since the attack on the precinct." He continued. "While I'm very glad to see you bruise free, to be moving a lot easier, I can't help but wonder why you are here, and not working out of another precinct like Detective Esposito."_

 _Kate had filled him in on everything, in tiny stilted sentence fragments in the first session she had booked with him. While everything else had changed, her teammate had returned to work, working out of another precinct like many of the 12_ _th_ _while it was being rebuilt._

" _I don't think I want to be a cop anymore." Kate murmured, shrugging, staring out of the window as a solitary tear tumbled down her cheek. This was the first time she had admitted that out loud and even though she knew it was true, even though she knew she didn't want it anymore, the admission still cost her greatly._

" _Why don't you tell me about that Kate?" Dr Burke asked patiently, not letting his surprise show on his face or be heard in his voice. She would get no judgement from him._

* * *

"Javi?" Kate called, jogging back to where they had been stood, her ex-colleague now talking to someone Kate didn't recognise. She smiled when both men looked up. "Sorry, can I borrow you for two seconds?"

"Sure." He nodded, turning back to the man beside him. "Give me a minute?"

"Sure." The other man nodded, not so subtly looking Kate up and down before stepping away.

Kate shook her head, still not used to or liking the attention she received from her former brothers in arms now she was no longer a cop. It was like it had given them the green light to leer.

"Everything okay?" Javi asked, nodding to where the writer was on his phone, gesticulating wildly.

"Yeah, we, we're gonna go for coffee." Kate answered shyly.

Esposito sighed. "Be careful Kate." He murmured, big brother protectiveness creeping in.

"I was the one who hurt _him_ , remember? It'll be okay. It'll, it'll be nice." She shrugged, trying not to let herself get too excited by this new development that she had never seen coming. "You and I need to see more of each other." She told him, deciding to be brave tonight, what did she have to lose anyway?

Espo smiled a little. "I'd like that." He nodded.

"You know where I am Javi. I'll make a bigger effort but you gotta help me." Kate gripped his hand between both of hers. "It's just us now. There were four of us, and now it's just you and me. And it can't be just _me_. It can't be. I will go down swinging for you, Javi. You know I will. But that means you have to help me. We can't lose our friendship, we've both lost too much already."

Javi gripped her shoulder and pulled her into a hug, holding her close for a moment. "I've missed you Kate." He whispered emotionally for her ears only.

"So, let's both work harder." Kate murmured, pulling back to press a lingering kiss to his cheek. "I'll see you soon, yeah?"

Esposito nodded. "We'll make sure of it."

Kate smiled beautifully for him before jogging back to Castle's side.

The ex-soldier watched her go, hoping for the first time in nearly five years that it would work out for them.

They both deserved a little happiness.


	6. Chapter 6

_Kate shrugged, quiet and unsure, staring out of the window, at her hands, at the floor, never keeping her gaze in once place for long. Her hands nervously fiddling with her sleeves, picking at the edges of her cast. She was restless, and fidgety, but couldn't hold herself still today._

" _I just," she shrugged again, swiping at her cheek, and looking up at the doctor, not quite meeting his eyes but close enough that he appreciated the effort. "It used to have a purpose."_

" _That purpose being solving your mother's case?" Burke asked slowly._

 _Kate shrugged again. "Yeah, in a roundabout way, but mostly the victims. All the victims." She murmured, playing with the frayed edges of her cast again. "Getting their story, solving the crimes, getting closure for the families, putting bad people behind bars so they couldn't hurt anyone else. That was what was important before. It came before everything else." She paused, trying to get her bearings. "But now, I feel awful for saying it, but now I, I want a life outside being a cop." She shook her head. "Does that make me sound terrible?"_

 _Dr Burke shook his head slowly. "Kate, wanting to have a life outside your job is important. And_ normal _." He assured her quietly. "What I want you to think about though, is whether this is a knee jerk reaction_ because _of the explosion, or if it was merely a catalyst."_

* * *

"Did you say you'd spoken to my daughter?" Rick asked quietly, as he slipped his hand unconsciously across the base of her back, to guide her into the coffee shop they had walked to in silence. She stilled, and he felt the tension flood her system, stiffen her spine to the point he was sure it hurt.

"Uh, yeah." Kate murmured, nodding as she stepped through the doorway, stepping quickly to take her out of his reach as she made her way to the counter. She wished she hadn't said it, wished harder that he hadn't caught it.

Rick sighed softly, feeling like they were constantly moving two steps forward and then three steps back. He hated that his touch seemed to spook her so much now, especially knowing that once upon a time it used to bolster her.

He made his way to her side, actively not touching her, before he smiled at the man behind the cash register. The younger man smiled back, fingers poised to ring up their order but apparently happy to not give the tense couple the usual spiel, especially given the late hour.

"One grande skim latte, with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla, and a grande caramel macchiato please." He smiled brightly at the barista, paying him, and giving his name before finding Kate's face again, his heart tripping in its rhythm when he noticed the awe on her features, the tears in her eyes. God how he hated making this woman cry, hated that it was all he seemed able to be able to do tonight. "Hey, you alright?" Castle asked quietly, reaching to grip her elbow gently, the long thought gone habit of offering her physical comfort something he wasn't able to tamper.

Kate nodded, clearing her throat softly, extracting herself from his grasp gently. "I'll go grab us a table." She whispered, throwing her thumb over her shoulder before making a swift exit. He still remembered her coffee order and she had no idea why that made her want to cry.

Rick watched her go, leaning against the counter, still not really sure who this shy, timid woman was, not sure where his kickass ex-girlfriend had disappeared to. But he was happy to move slowly, knowing that he was just as out of his depth as she was.

He hated this situation, hated that despite her behaviour he still couldn't hate _her_ , hated that even after five years they both seemed to have this hold over each other still.

The barista made him jump by calling out his name a few seconds after Kate had left his side. Rick took both of their drinks with a thank you for the other man, and followed Kate's path to a booth in the back corner.

"Hey." Rick murmured, sliding in across from her, as he gently placed her drink in front of her. "How you doing?" He continued quietly, clasping his hands around his coffee cup so he wouldn't be tempted to touch her again.

Kate gave him a hollow smile, wrapping her hand around her drink and bringing it to her lips, her eyes closed in preparation. She took her first sip and couldn't stop the little moan at the back of her throat, or the tear that leaked from her closed eyes, as the perfect combination of the sweetness of the vanilla and the bitterness of the coffee burst across her taste buds.

"Kate?!" Rick exclaimed, concerned, his body throwing itself forward involuntarily, his fingers aching to touch her even as she shook her head, sliding the beverage away from her a little, wiping her eyes with a wry smile.

"I'm okay." She insisted quietly.

"' _Okay'_ people don't tend to cry at coffee, Kate." He murmured lowly. She shook her head again and he felt his chest constrict. "I can get you something else?"

She shook her head once more, catching his hand as he half stood to go back to the counter and change her drink. "Rick, please, I'm fine."

Rick settled back in his seat, still jumpy, still unsure, watching her warily.

"I just haven't had my coffee like that since…" she trailed off, the words she _had_ managed had been stilted and muted, she wasn't sure she _could_ continue and knew she didn't need to.

"How come?" He asked quietly, leaning back in the booth.

Kate shrugged. "It, it felt wrong without you."

Castle sighed deeply. They had both ruined themselves after that day.

They sat in silence for a few moments, both sipping their drinks, Kate savouring every sip.

"So, you've spoken to Alexis?" Rick enquired again quietly.

Kate nodded, putting down her drink, linking her fingers together as she took a deep breath. "A couple of times actually." She confessed quietly, shaking her head. "I figured she would have told you."

Rick shook his head back at her. "Nope. She hasn't ever bought you up." He shrugged. "Mother asked after you occasionally, but pretty quickly realised I knew about as much as she did." He traced a pattern on the table top aimlessly with his index finger.

Kate nodded. "I called before I left, well as I was leaving the hospital. That was the last time I spoke to Martha." She shot him a small smile. "I knew then that leaving wasn't the right thing to do, but I needed to get away. I called your mom to make sure she knew that you were safe, that you were out of the precinct, out of immediate danger." Kate shrugged, her voice cracking as she looked up at him, finally meeting his eye properly, letting him see everything. "She told me she _loved_ me, that she was so very glad we were both okay, that she was on her way." Kate shrugged a single slim shoulder. "I couldn't sit and wait for them, Rick, and I'm sorry for that. Sorry for a lot of things."

* * *

" _I spoke to his mom." Kate murmured, out of the blue, a few sessions later. She'd seen Burke twice a week every week since it had all happened, and they had talked to death the subject of her not wanting to be a cop. She had no idea how to move forward, but that wasn't important right now._

" _To Rick's mother?" Dr Burke clarified softly, getting a silent nod from Kate. "When?"_

 _Kate sighed softly. "In the hospital, as I was leaving." She drew her lower lip into her mouth, biting it softly._

" _What did the two of you talk about?" The doctor probed gently, knowing far too well by now just how skittish his patient could be._

 _Kate stood, wrapping her good arm around her abdomen, the casted left down at her side. She was slow, and walking still made her back pain worsen, but pacing was how she dealt with this stuff and it was habitual by this point. She walked to the window, looked out for a moment before pacing back and forth like a caged animal. "I called to tell her Rick was okay, and in surgery." She murmured._

" _That was kind." Dr Burke led her gently._

 _Kate shook her head. "It was necessary. I would have wanted that phone call if the situation had been reversed, I couldn't not call her. Rick and I had been together nearly a year, she was practically my mother in law." She sighed deeply. "Martha was frantic when she answered, she'd heard about the precinct, it had been all over the news and when she couldn't get hold of Castle, or me, she had called Espo. He'd had to tell her that we were both inside and she had been understandably terrified. No one had had time to catch her up since, so I was the first to tell her that we were both alive."_

 _Kate's voice caught as she remembered the tearful relief the elder woman had experienced. "She burst into tears, asked if he was okay, asked if_ I _was okay." She shook her head, hating herself for being surprised that Martha would ask about her injuries. "I told her that I was okay, that Castle was in surgery but that it was to fix his hand, that they weren't worried about his vitals. She_ thanked _me."_

 _Kate paused, still a bit thrown by that. "She thanked me for being there, for calling her, for being there for her son. She said, 'I can't thank you enough, I'm so glad you're both okay' and when I assured her again that he was gonna be fine, she welled up. 'Katherine I'm glad that you're_ both _okay, we love you and we'll be there soon'."_

 _Kate ran her hand across her face, completely unsurprised by the dampness she found, she'd done very little other than cry since that day. "When we hung up I knew that it wasn't just Rick that would hate me once they all realised that I had hurt him." Kate shook her head, crumbling so hard and so fast that Dr Burke was half out of his chair to hold her, before he caught himself and reminded himself silently to maintain professional boundaries. "I couldn't watch that love turn to disappointment, I couldn't lose another mother."_


	7. Chapter 7

Kate sighed, dropping his gaze, ashamed at her actions even though she had been so sure at the time that it was the right thing for them all. "Alexis called a couple of days later." She continued slowly, hating raking this all up again but he deserved to ask any question he needed to.

Rick's heart clenched at the despondence in her tone. His daughter had always been a tough nut to crack, and a lot of that was his own fault, but he had thought the two of them were getting closer. His daughter had called the ex-detective for advice once or twice.

"Was she rude?" He asked quietly, not sure what he could do after all this time, other than to apologise on her behalf.

Kate shook her head, putting his mind at ease, at least a little. "She was, she was _surprised_ , and annoyed, but not rude." Kate gave him a tiny smile.

"What did she say?" Rick pushed, not sure he actually wanted to hear, but knowing that he needed all of the puzzle pieces, just as he had always needed. He never could deal with knowing people were talking about him and not knowing what had been said.

Kate inhaled and held it for a moment, catching his eye, not sure she wanted this conversation but knowing they needed it. "To stay away." She sighed finally.

" _Excuse me_?!" The question burst from Rick's chest, loud and undignified, furious and shocked, garnering the attention of the small smattering of people in the coffee shop.

Kate laid her hand over his, shushing him softly. "Castle." She chastised gently, embarrassment kissing her with a touch of colour along her high cheek bones.

Rick looked around him, flashing apologetic winning smiles, the ones she used to see for the press, before fixing Kate with a hard stare. "Excuse me?" He asked again, quieter but no less hard, pressing the syllables through gritted teeth, free hand fisted as best he could.

Kate gulped, knowing that unfortunately this was a big part of their issues. "Alexis told me that I should stay away." Kate confirmed softly, nodding before looking down at where their hands were still linked, enjoying the sensation of his hand in hers far too much. She bit her lower lip, knowing full well that she shouldn't take comfort in him, and started to slowly withdraw her hand, but Rick captured her fingers before she could go too far.

Looking her in the eye, making his intentions crystal clear, he tangled their fingers, letting his thumb stroke the back of her hand. Kate questioned him with her eyes, but he just watched her carefully and after a moment, she allowed herself the small comfort, knowing it probably would help her get through this.

"I was staying at my dad's for a while, while I worked out where I wanted to go next, what I wanted to do." She shrugged. "I was supposed to be on mostly bedrest, the doctors said it would give me the best chance of healing properly." Kate looked up from where her eyes had drifted to his shirt buttons. "Did you hear about my injuries?" She asked softly, knowing that it wasn't important in the grand scheme of things, but it may give him some context.

Rick nodded gravely. "I bribed an orderly to find out for me." He gave her a sheepish smile.

She huffed a note of laughter. "Of course you did." She smiled at him, stroking her thumb back and forth on his skin affectionately. "So, for my back, it wasn't that bad really, but I needed a brace for a bit and to be aware of my movements a lot more." She shrugged again. "And my lung would heal on its own, but I needed to take it easy." She smiled a little. "So, dad pretty much confined me to bed rest." She chuckled, shaking her head at his overprotectiveness.

Rick smiled. "Good."

Kate met his eye slyly, that old sparkle filtering in just a little. "Yes, well not for me." She shook her head, smiling. "But yes, so I was upstairs, in bed, and my father knocked on the door and told me that while he knew I was ignoring my phone, Alexis was calling." Kate shook her head, letting her hair fall forward, pulling them both into their own little cocoon, like she used to when she was feeling shy, or nervous, or scared.

Castle watched as dread filled her eyes and her hand got clammy in his. "Hey, it's okay." He told her softly, gripping her a little tighter, trying to instil her with power like he used to.

Kate nodded, swallowing hard. "I was so _scared_." She pressed out, voice cracking. "I vaulted across the room, was gasping by the time I answered. My doctor scolded me for ages because of that move. It screwed my back but I was so terrified that something had happened to you and…" she let her sentence end, unable to give voice to her thoughts.

Rick squeezed her hand. "I'm here." He assured her softly. "I'm okay. We both are."

Kate nodded, granting him a smile before squeezing his hand and continuing. "She was kind enough to tell me first that you were okay, had heard my panic. She told me that you were okay, and at home, which I 'would have known if I had been there'." She shrugged, giving him a wry smile. "She didn't pull her punches."

"She was worried about me." Castle murmured, trying not to absolve her but that was his baby they were talking about.

Kate nodded. "I know. I understood, and kinda deserved it, so I let her rip on me. She spilled her guts about how much I was hurting you all, how much I was ruining you, how if I was less of a coward I would be by your side, be helping you." Kate paused, taking a shaky breath. "And at no point was she wrong."

Rick smiled sadly. "I don't agree with 'coward' but the rest I have to kind of agree with." He told her honestly, a little surprised when she nodded.

"I know." She sucked on her lower lip for a moment. "I started packing." She whispered, and Castle started to get a terrible sick feeling in his gut. "I told her that she was right, that my behaviour was _awful_ , that I really needed to try harder to control that pesky fight or flight impulse and that I would be there in the hour, knowing that I could pack an overnight bag and get dad to drive me to yours, knowing we'd be there soon enough. I'd come get everything else later, when I was back with you and when we were healing together." Kate shrugged one shoulder, stroking her thumb back and forward again, needing to reassure herself that his hand was really there in her grasp. "And then she told me, that if I had any _respect_ for you, if I ever _cared_ about you at _all_ , I would stay away." She wiped her damp face with her free hand, looking almost serene as she told him all this and it terrified him a little. "I told her that I would try harder, I sobbed down the phone to her and I'm not proud of that, but she stuck to her guns. She told me that the worst thing I could do now was to come ho…back to the loft," she corrected, though not quick enough for Rick to have not noticed.

"It was supposed to be home for you." He murmured quietly, not making eye contact.

Kate smiled, tender and sad. "It was. But Alexis made it clear that my leaving had broken it all beyond repair and that she would never forgive me if I tried to come back. I knew that it would put you in an awful position, Rick, that it would make you have to choose between us, and I knew you would pick Alexis, as you _should_ have done, and I never wanted to make this all worse than it already was. So I stayed away, to stop you having to make that choice. To stop you feeling like you were letting one of us down by making that choice." She sighed. "I told Alexis that I was sorry, that I, that I _loved_ you all and that I would stay away for as long as was necessary." Kate shook her head. "I called every few months the first year, to ask how you were, eventually Alexis stopped answering my calls."

Rick sighed deeply, running his hands across his face quickly. "So, you're telling me, that you would have come home after a few days, if Alexis hadn't told you to stay away?" He asked through gritted teeth, for the first time in her life feeling so deeply disappointed in his daughter.

Kate shrugged, lifting her knees to the edge of her seat, curling her arms around them, feeling the anger and disappointment rolling off Rick like tsunami waves and it was making her nervous. "She's your _child_ …"

"And you were _everything_!" He exclaimed, jumping to his feet to pace, no longer caring if he was making a scene. Let them watch, this was too important. "Fuck her and her stupid attitude towards you. I _loved_ you. You were the _love of my life_ …" he shoved his hands into the back of his hair, his entire body thrumming now. "I'd bought you a _ring_!"

Kate's foot slipped off the seat, slamming her knee into the metal edge of the table, but neither of them winced. She was white as a sheet, mouth gaping, and couldn't force her lungs to take the breath they so desperately needed. Rick, for his part, really hadn't expected to tell her that bit and found himself frozen in place.

"You…" Kate all but gasped, her entire body trembling and her lungs screaming for oxygen, but she couldn't function. She'd walked away to make him and his family happy, and he was going to _propose_?

Rick sighed. "I need some air." He murmured, shaking his head, before turning heel and running from her.

* * *

 _Rick sighed deeply, setting his tumbler into the sink, the whiskey droplets at the bottom mocking him. He needed to stop drinking when he missed her. She'd told him about her dad, had cried on his shoulder one awful night, curled in his lap in the middle of their bed, as she told him about the worst of those times. He couldn't drink when it was bad, he couldn't let her down like that._

 _He rinsed the glass and leaned with his back to the sink, noticing his mother and daughter watching him carefully from the breakfast bar._

" _You're going to be late, Alexis." He murmured wearily._

 _He was fed up of his daughter watching him like he would break and his mother watching him like he was a child. His hand was healing slowly, he no longer had a prominent limp, he was going to be okay, they needed to stop waiting for him to fall apart._

" _You okay, dad?" Alexis asked quietly, careful around him now._

" _I'm fine, Pumpkin." He smiled, hoping the nickname would bring back some of what they had before. Alexis smiled a little, jumping up from her seat before grabbing her satchel and coming to kiss his cheek._

 _She was just leaving, had opened the door, when the ability to not ask left him._

" _Hey, Lex?" He called, stopping her so she turned around to face him again, still smiling._

" _Yeah, dad?" She asked, shoving her hair out of her face._

" _You haven't heard from Kate, have you?" He asked, pretty sure of the answer but wanting to hear it, just like he did every few weeks when he got low again._

 _Alexis shook her head. "No, sorry. Not a word since she left." She shrugged, watching him nod before she left the loft and let the door close behind her._

 _She always gave him the same answer, he didn't know why he was still expecting that to change._


	8. Chapter 8

Kate drained the last of her drink, needing the strength it still gave her to continue this. They were going to break each other's hearts all over again tonight, she could feel it, but she hoped this would be cathartic and help them to move past the bomb, finally.

She stood, wincing hard when she put weight on the knee she had smashed into the table.

"Shit!" She swore quietly, rubbing it hard, hating her own stupidity. Of course she would injure herself, just as the ability to run after him became paramount.

She looked around at the patrons of the coffee shop, all currently staring at her and their now empty table.

"What?" She exclaimed incredulously, pinning them all with her detective glare that she hadn't had to use in years. "Never seen two people break each other's hearts before?!" She hissed before grabbing her bag, and the phone Rick had left on the table, crossing the linoleum, and making her way out of the door, desperately hoping he hadn't gone far.

* * *

" _Kate, you need to_ breathe _, honey." Jim murmured softly, cupping the side of his clammy daughter's face as she gasped and coughed against her bedroom wall, her casted hand pressed into her hip. "Katie, breathe. Your lung can't cope if you hyperventilate." He begged her, gripping her other hand in his own, letting her claw at him. Her hand kept slipping against his, but he held her strong, letting her find her solid ground in his grasp. "They're on their way, baby." He promised, stroking his thumb across her forehead, worried about the sweat on her brow._

 _How did it get this bad this quickly?_

" _Just breathe, Katie-bug."_

" _Hurts." Kate gasped, coughing hard, resisting the urge to throw her head back, trying to protect her previous injuries even as she could feel the flames of blackout pain licking at her back and chest._

" _I know." Jim murmured, pressing his lips to the top of her head, pulling her closer, letting her gasp and sob into his shoulder. "I've called an ambulance, Katie. Everything is gonna be okay."_

 _He silently begged anyone that could hear him to help his daughter, hadn't seen her this bad since the summer she was recovering for her bullet wound._

" _I…want…mom..." Kate's voice slipped away as she collapsed against him, wheezing._

" _Katie!" Jim called, leaning down to catch a glimpse of her now slack face, even as her breathing remained ragged and wheezy. The pain had knocked her out, her body not able to handle it after the last few days. Jim's breath left him shakily, as he held his daughter tightly and wished the ambulance would hurry up._

* * *

Kate looked around her from the light of the doorway, spotting him pacing across the street, kicking his expensive leather shoes into the concrete as he gripped his hair in hands strong enough to rip it from the roots. It was painful to watch, and her heart hurt for him.

Kate sighed softly, slipping his phone into her bag, and gently smoothing her hair down at the back, still conscious of it even now. She crossed the street, watching diligently for traffic, before coming to stand a few paces from him.

He hadn't noticed her yet and she was happy enough to just watch him, let him go at his own pace. He had to process all this before they could talk about it. They had waited this long for each other, they could wait a few more minutes.

After a few moments, Rick turned his head to the sky, inhaled deeply and screamed, loud and long, trying to exorcize the deep-seated pain, the frustration, the horror of the last few years.

Kate startled, hard, feeling the twinge in her back at the sudden movement. " _Rick_?!" She gasped.

They weren't nearly far enough away from the precinct memorial, only a block and a half, for that to not draw the attention of the police brethren, they were already on high alert tonight.

Kate jogged a few steps towards the group of cops running towards the sound, holding up her hands in placation. He had sounded so broken, so angry, she couldn't blame them for coming to check. She also couldn't blame the few who didn't know them both personally, looking her over to check for signs of a domestic abuse incident.

"He's okay." Kate promised quietly, meeting the eyes of the cops she still knew, letting them see that she had no fear of him. "I've got him." She murmured.

She watched as their dominant hands left their hip holsters, even as they eyed him warily.

"I promise, I've got him." She smiled what she hoped would be reassurance, looking from one to the other, and nodded in response when they nodded to her, leaving slowly, sending him backward wary glances even as she turned back to him.

"Rick?" She murmured softly, coming back to him, wanting to slide her hand over those tense shoulders, but not sure pushing him would be a good idea right now.

He shook his head, clearing some of the emotional cloud, stalking towards her quickly, and Kate couldn't stop her instinct, stumbling back a few steps before he took hold of the tops of her arms, steadying her as much as stopping her retreat, the contact like electricity in her veins after so long of not feeling his touch.

"Kate, look me in the eye, and tell me you were going to come home." Rick murmured lowly, begging and they both knew it, and Kate could feel the tension in his muscles, could see the tears building in his eyes.

"Rick," she winced, slowly bringing her hands up, making sure they were in his view the whole time so as not to spook him further, before gently clasping his arms, pressing her fingers gently into the middle of his wrists, making him loosen his grip involuntarily. She could see the confusion building so she sent him a weak smile. "You were gripping too hard." She murmured, regretting it when he pulled away as if she had burned him. "But I," she shook her head, looking him squarely in the eye, "I was going to come, home." She faltered a little on the last word but they both knew she wasn't lying.

* * *

 _Kate looked up, finding her dad, from behind the oxygen mask, knowing from the pain scribbled across his face that it was bad. She was starting to feel the pain in her back and just below her old incision site. Definitely bad then._

 _Jim finally noticed her open eyes and jumped to her side. "Hey, Katie-bug." He murmured thickly, gripping her good hand between both of his, kissing her fingertips gently, just as he had when she was much smaller._

 _He missed her being that little, when the worst she had to contend with was scraped knees and bumped heads._

 _He could fix those with kisses and ice-cream._

 _He had no idea how to help her at the moment and it was tearing him apart. Katie wasn't the only one who wanted her mother, Johanna had been so much better at all this than he was. She could comfort their daughter with only a look and a hug, and he wished she was here now to provide their child with that._

" _Wha' happen'?" Kate murmured, looking in confusion when her voice slurred._

" _You moved too quickly, in too funny an angle." Jim murmured, leaving her hand in one of his, while the other stroked a soft curl off her face. Sweat, and the movement from bed to bed, had curled her hair into those tight ringlets he hadn't seen in so many years._

" _Dad?" She asked quietly, unsure, and scared._

" _You had to have surgery, that break wasn't nearly as stable as they thought it was." Jim smiled sadly, continuing to touch her, needing the reassurance after she had collapsed in his arms._

" _Thought it was hairline?" Kate asked quietly, what was apparently anaesthetic slowly loosening its grip on her. She was starting to come to properly, starting to pinpoint just how much pain she was in, despite the medication flowing into her arm._

 _Jim shrugged. "So did they._ Closed _fracture but fracture all the same, it shifted against itself when you practically dived across the room." He scolded lightly. "And then you had a panic attack because of the pain, and your lung gave up." He leaned in and kissed her forehead softly, swallowing the tears he could feel building. "Your lung collapsed, and they had to reinflate it. You have a chest tube."_

" _Bad, huh?" She murmured, couldn't stop herself thinking that the panic attack had been much more from Alexis's words than from the pain._

" _Hospital for at least three days, then_ strict _bedrest." Jim nodded, sitting back in his seat, keeping her hand though._

 _Kate nodded slowly. "Okay." She gave in, quietly._

" _I'm gonna call Rick." Jim told her, moving to slip his phone out of his pocket, stopping in his tracks when Kate's heart monitor kicked up a gear and her hand gripped his fiercely._

" _No, you aren't." She shook her head, the words rushed and panicked. "He can't come running just because it's bad."_

 _Alexis's words were ringing in her ears and she couldn't fathom how much the girl would hate her, how difficult it would be for Rick, if he was told she was back in the hospital. He'd insist on being there, she knew he would, and she couldn't ask him to do that, no matter how much she wanted him there._

" _Katie…" Jim said sternly, raising a very parental eyebrow, but the determination and fear in her eyes stopped him._

" _You_ cannot _phone him." She told him, managing to still sound stern behind the O2 mask. She couldn't make it worse, she couldn't make Rick choose, couldn't let them all down again. She shook her head, rolling her eyes skyward to try and stop them overflowing. "_ Please _daddy."_

 _Jim sighed deeply, wishing he knew what was going on here, wishing he knew what had happened between them while they had been trapped, where everything had gone so wrong for them both. "Okay, Katie, I won't call him."_

* * *

"I could have had you back this whole time?" Castle asked, quiet and childlike.

He bought up his right hand to cup her cheek, making Kate flinch at the contact.

"Sorry." He chastised himself, swapping hands to touch her with his left, _he_ may be used to his damaged right hand's feel by now, but she'd only known how bad it was for a matter of hours.

Kate shook her head, closing her eyes tight and gripping his battered hand in her own, bringing it up to her other cheek, revelling in his touch. "It, was you touching me, that made me jump not, your hand." She murmured slowly, needing to be honest.

She hadn't expected him to be so tactile, not after everything, but she loved it. And she was getting used to the reality of his right hand now.

Castle sighed deeply, leaning down to rest their foreheads together, cupping her face with both hands like she was the most precious thing he'd ever held.

"I…" he let it trail off, bringing his face up to kiss her forehead, lingering with his lips against her skin, treasuring her.

Kate slowly bought her hands up, the whole situation feeling so surreal, and tentatively slipped her hands around his hips, holding his hip joints in her hands, her entire body buzzing with the static between them, even all these years later.

"God, I've _missed_ you." She breathed tearfully, gasping when Rick pulled her close, cradling her into his chest. He wrapped his left arm around her hips, slipping his thumb through her belt loop, while his right arm held her shoulders, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

Kate slipped her hands up to grip his shoulders from underneath, hanging on for dear life, burying her face in his neck, breathing him in.

The feeling of being home slammed through her with such force, it took the strength from her knees.

"I've missed you so much, Kate."


	9. Chapter 9

Author's Note:- Think Hunter Parrish for Chester Darwin NYLF xx

* * *

Castle was the first to pull away, gently letting go of her and taking a step back.

Kate wrapped her arms around her middle once they were parted, missing being held by him acutely, trying hard to look at him and not the floor.

"So, I guess we have five years' worth of stuff to talk about, huh?" Castle murmured. He wasn't looking forward to the conversations, knew he wouldn't enjoy hearing about the time he could have been with her but wasn't, but he also knew that he would tear himself apart with possibilities if he didn't ask, and he knew that Kate would need to know about his side of it too.

Kate nodded. "Yeah, I guess we do." She scuffed her toe against the ground awkwardly. "Don't think the coffee shop would appreciate us back though." She murmured, slinging a thumb over her shoulder in the shop's direction, huffing when Rick let out a note of laughter.

"No, I don't think they would." He smiled brightly. "How about a walk?" He asked slowly, hoping that that hadn't been her leading into ending their time together.

Kate nodded, a muted but sure smile on her face. "Sure."

* * *

" _Becks!" A male voice sounded out in the cacophony of noises, reaching Kate's hearing from her place beside baggage claim._

 _Kate looked around for the source of the exclamation, spotting the blonde shaggy hair over the sea of people._

 _She smiled softly, at six foot nine Chester Darwin was someone who could make her feel tiny even in her highest heels._

 _She smiled for him, letting him come to her, her body aching and fragile after the flight._

" _Hey, Chest." Kate greeted happily but quietly, exhaustion quickly coming to claim her._

" _Hey, Becks. How are you doing?" He asked quietly, concern coating his words like treacle._

 _She had lost so much weight since he had seen her last, and she looked awful. Her left arm was casted practically all the way up, and a walking stick took up her right hand. He could see the tan edge of a back brace from where her shirt had ridden up, and the circles under her eyes made her look like she'd taken a punch._

 _His heart ached for her._

" _If you're very careful, you can hug me." She chuckled, laughing a bit harder at the eager look on his face._

 _He carefully wrapped his arms around Kate's chest, cradling her gently, trying to ignore the rigid feel of her brace, the way she felt like she'd snap if he held her too hard._

 _He pulled away slowly, taking her carry on from where she had slung it over her cast._

" _Just didn't wanna hurt you or get beaten with that battering ram." He chuckled, nodding to the impressive cast she was still sporting._

" _Wouldn't batter you, Chester." She replied, her voice breathy, she was getting tired now. She shook her head. "Love ya too much for that." She smiled as wide as she could._

 _Chester puffed out his slim chest in faux pride, making Kate laugh before she winced, hand cupping the middle of her back._

" _Don't make me laugh." She begged, even as she chuckled._

" _Sorry Becks." He murmured, gently wrapping a supportive arm around her waist. "Car's waiting for us, come on."_

 _Kate moved slower than evolution and was hating it, but her back was delicate and painful. It had been only ten days since she was discharged from hospital after her surgery, to fix her spine with plates and screws. Airport security had been tricky, though she guessed she'd have to get used to that now._

" _I borrowed Leah's car, figured you'd prefer something a bit higher off the ground than my Ferrari." Chester murmured as he gently led her through the airport, keeping his arm around her and keeping her tight to his chest. The last thing he wanted was someone bumping into her or jostling her. She was even littler that usual in her ballet flats, so she tucked nicely under his arm. He knew just how bad it must be because she was letting him coddle her._

 _Kate internally shook her head at herself, she really must have a thing for guys with Ferraris. "Yeah, I appreciate that." She smiled. "How is that sister of yours?"_

 _Chester laughed. "She's good. Two sproglings later, she's having fun." He smiled down at her reproachful look._

" _Chest, they are your_ nieces _!" She scolded gently._

 _Chester shrugged. "Still sprogs."_

* * *

They walked slowly, side by side, no particular destination in mind, just wandering aimlessly.

They'd made it less than a block in silence, before Castle cracked, curiosity getting the best of him.

"So, California." Castle started, wishing his exes would stop moving there. "Not what I expected, I have to say."

Kate chuckled a little. "Me either." She shrugged, fiddling with her fingers anxiously. "I got an email from an old friend, who I met at Stanford and had stayed in contact with periodically. She'd heard about what had happened, had heard about the precinct." She gave him a soft smile, getting one back for the expression. "Leah has been a good friend to me over the years, was a shoulder to cry on when my mom died, and dad fell apart. She'd just had her youngest, offered for me to come out and forget it all for a bit." Kate smiled, she was ever so grateful for Leah's hospitality and couldn't thank her and Chester enough.

"That was nice of her." Castle smiled, glad that Kate had someone in her corner, back when she was nineteen and again when he couldn't be there for her.

"Yeah." Kate agreed happily. "She had Alysia, who had just turned two, and then Lucy was born about ten days before the precinct happened, so she was about two months old when I made it out there. It was a nice change of pace from constant therapy and doctors appointments." She shrugged, trying to stay away from the bad points of that time, needing an emotional break.

"You were still seeing doctors two months after?" He asked concerned, watching her carefully.

Kate shrugged, meeting his gaze easily. "Maybe we can talk about that in a bit?" She asked quietly, not ready to tell him that she had broken her back and dropped a lung indirectly because of his daughter, needing to move away from Alexis for a moment.

"Sure." Rick murmured caringly, aware that this was awkward and happy to come back to subjects, happy enough to get a bit lighter for a bit, give them both a break.

"But yeah, so I went out and had 'baby time'." She chuckled. "It was good, it was lovely."

"Yeah kids are good like that." Castle smiled, glad she had found some sort of happiness. "They're always a good distraction."

"It was actually while I was spending time with them all, that Chester and I started creating KC Clothing." She told him softly. "I woke them screaming one night, while he was staying." She murmured shyly.

"Kate…" Castle offered slowly, turning towards her, wanting to offer her something, any kind of comfort.

"Nah, it's okay, happens a lot." She shrugged it off, but Castle's heart tumbled at the present tense.

He slipped his hand into hers, squeezing it in support. He tried to take it back after the moment, maintaining that emotional boundary, but when Kate clasped it a little tighter, he surrendered it to her, more than happy to wander and hold her hand.

"So, I woke them up," Kate continued, with a huff of self-deprecation, "and while Leah settled the girls back down, given that I'd woken them both up and frightened them, Chester came to me. I wasn't actually awake, but he woke me up, held my hand while I sobbed through the explanation of everything that had happened, about your hand and stuff." She shrugged, self-conscious. "He spent the rest of the night in my bed, holding vigil to try and at least limit my night terrors."

Castle grit his teeth at that last line.

She was yet to tell him who Chester was to her, before they were business partners, and if this conversation was going to lead to an admission that she had moved on in the five years they'd been apart, he was alright without that knowledge. He wouldn't blame her, of course he wouldn't, he knew just how long five years could be, but he didn't think he could handle hearing about it, and he hated how much of a hypocrite that made him.

* * *

" _Becks?!" Chester called, running into the room, her heart wrenching cries and screams tearing him apart. "Kate!" He made it to the edge of her bed, leaning over, his hands gripping the sheets. "Kate, it's me, I'm here, it's okay." He shushed, trying to soothe her, but she continued to scream, tears leaking from her closed eyes._

 _He watched her for a moment, she wasn't even awake, and he had no idea how to help. Her night terrors apparently bad enough to make her scream her lungs out, but strong enough to keep a hold of her and not let her escape into consciousness._

 _Chester put his knee up on the bed, hesitating before crawling over to where she was laid, laying a firm but gentle hand on her stomach, trying to anticipate her startle reflex, before taking her hand and shaking it gently, not wanting to move her too much because of her lung and back._

" _Kate, you gotta wake up." He told her, calm but firm, leaning down to talk directly into her ear, it had always worked before. "Kate, you are_ safe _, but you need to wake up."_

 _Kate gasped as her eyes flew open, the weight on her stomach holding her, stopping her from jerking her back too much, and for half a moment she was back in Rick's bed, safe under his touch. Her eyes darted down to the hand on her body, but the fingers were too thin, the hand too pale._

" _I'm okay, Chest." She murmured huskily, dropping his hand to wipe her eyes. She hadn't had a nightmare in front of him for so long, and it still made her shy._

" _You clearly aren't. I'm not going to go away until you tell me, so you may as well start." Chester told her, his no-nonsense tone settling her. His raised eyebrow seemed stern, but the twinkle in his eye and the smile flirting with his lips gave him away._

 _She carefully pulled herself into a seated position, crossing her legs, accepting that she was about to tell him everything. "We were sat at my desk when the bomb went off…"_

* * *

"I told him I didn't want to be a cop anymore, and he said that if it wasn't too weird for me to work _under_ him, he had an apprenticeship available at the fashion house he worked at. Would love to work with me. I ended up taking it. A year later, I ended it with a degree in fashion and design, had an apartment out there, and Chester and I had agreed to go into business together." Kate summarised with a soft smile. "It was weird for me too." She assured him with a laugh and a wry smile.

"Yeah cop to fashion designer, hardly a _sideways_ step." Castle joked lightly, loving the sound of her laugh.

"Well it seems I'm good at it. KC is doing so well." She continued, a proud mother smile splitting her face, dropping his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear shyly.

"It's really good, Kate. Doing so much good." He smiled, hadn't been surprised when he'd read about the company's charitable contributions. "I'm proud of you."

Kate looked up at him, blushing, a little surprised how much that statement meant to her now. "Yeah?"

"Of course." Castle promised sincerely, smiling at her with so much emotion. "So, KC? Kate and Chester, I guess?"

Kate slowed down, blush deepening, intriguing her ex. "He wanted to call it DB, Darwin and Beckett." She shrugged, shyly. "I said we should call it KC, he agreed it sounded better, was less likely to be misheard for a sex act." She chuckled, before pausing, debating just how much to reveal here. But she knew he wouldn't judge her, felt safe in telling him her secrets. "I called it KC Clothing, because I had always hoped that one day…" she stopped, and Castle's heart stopped when he realised that she was stroking her bare left ring finger.

"You wanted to marry me." He let out, his voice low and sad at the realisation that they had wanted the same things, and it had _still_ all gone so wrong.

Kate's face and chest flushed beet red and she shrugged shyly, dropping his gaze. "I liked the idea."

"So, you liked the idea of marrying me, enough to name your company what would be your married initials, and I had your engagement ring in my safe." He growled, incredulously. "And then our lives were literally blown apart, and my daughter told you to stay away, which led to us not seeing each other again for _five years_."

Kate sighed. "That just about sums it up." She shrugged.

"Fuck!" Castle cursed loudly. "I'm going to have very serious words with my daughter."

Kate sighed, laying a calming hand on his forearm. "You can't blame her, she was _worried_ …"

Rick closed the distance between them, cupping her cheeks again, silencing her immediately.

"We would be married right now, Kate. We could be married and living together, and hell I'd be lying if I said I'd never imagined you having our baby." He confessed, making her blush and drop her eyes shyly. Castle lowered his tone, stroking his thumbs across her cheek bones, bringing her gaze back up to him slowly. "We could have been a _family_ right now if she'd never told you that."

"Yes, we could have." Kate whispered regretfully.

" _Very_ serious words, Kate." He promised. "I'll get to the bottom of this."


	10. Chapter 10

They moved off again slowly, making it to a park before Kate slid her hand across her back, near the base of her ribcage, trying to use the warmth of her palm to soothe the pain.

"Mind if we stop for a minute?" Kate asked quietly, hating asking him for anything, hating that this injury still made her weak, motioning with her head towards a nearby bench.

"Course." Rick nodded immediately, watching her with concern as she slid slowly onto the seat, letting her find her place before he sat next to her. "You alright?" He asked quietly.

Kate smiled softly. "Yeah." She murmured, rubbing the area once more before slipping her hand out from the back of her coat until her hands were folded neatly in her lap. "Back still plays me up sometimes." She tried to play it off, but it had made him worry about her.

Rick regarded her quietly, confused and concerned. "I'm surprised a hairline fracture still hurts after five years, though I guess it _is_ in your spine, so I guess that's different." He mused, thinking aloud rather than really talking to her, watching her carefully as she shifted until she could rest comfortably into the back of the bench.

Kate shook her head, rolling it to look at him. "It wasn't hairline," she murmured softly. "They misdiagnosed it when they first checked it out. It turned out to be a closed fracture, which then shifted and had to be plated to stabilise it." She told him, careful not to mention how it had shifted, not needing to give him any more ammunition to be angry at his daughter. She'd have to tell him eventually, she was sure, they would have to tell each other _everything_ eventually, but for now she'd let it stay quiet.

Castle gripped her hand where it rested on her thigh. "Shit, that sounds _bad_ , Kate." He said, hating that 'plated' meant she'd had to have surgery, and he hadn't even _known_ , let alone been allowed to support her through it.

Kate shrugged a little, dismissing it. "It wasn't great. But I'm okay. They checked me over a couple of years ago, just as a final check, and decided to just leave the plates in, removing them could do more harm than good, could make the bones unstable or vulnerable. But they said it was a good job I'd left the force." She cleared her throat quietly. She hadn't been a cop for over three years when they had told her, but that finality of never being able to go back had stung. "One bad takedown, one wrong move, and I, well I could do serious damage." She murmured, shrugging as though that thought didn't petrify her.

Rick suddenly got this terrifying image of her paralysed from the base of her chest down and it sent a shudder down his own spine. He slipped his arm around her shoulders, pressing a kiss to her hair, needing to touch her. Kate startled a little, still not used to this much touching from anyone, let alone _his_ touch, before sinking into his embrace, letting him support her.

They sat, just absorbed in each other for a moment, drinking in the reality of being in each other's arms again, before curiosity tightened its grip on Rick.

He gently smoothed his palm along her arm, easing her into the transition, lifting his head from where it had come to rest on the top of hers, gently teasing away the strands of her hair that had gotten caught in the stubble on his jaw.

"You okay?" Kate asked quietly, still unsure, still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Castle nodded, giving her a small smile. "Yeah, just, before you worked together, who was Chester to you?" He asked slowly.

Kate sat up a little more, a little nervous now. "You jealous, Castle?" She joked flatly, trying to buy herself time before it got heavy again.

"Well, yeah." Castle shrugged, knowing that she was joking with him, knowing he could have taken the out, but seeing no need to be anything other than honest.

Kate nodded quickly, taking a steeling breath before starting. "We dated." She confessed quietly, feeling him tense a little beside her, though he didn't look nearly as heartbroken as she would have expected. "When I was at Stanford." She clarified, hoping the tension would leave him, but he only half relaxed beside her. "We met on a college tour and hit it off, started dating the summer before first semester, kept going for a few months." Kate sighed softly.

Castle watched her carefully, suddenly realising this conversation would be a lot more serious than he thought it would end up being.

"Then mom happened." She shot him a quick sad smile. "He tried, _really_ hard." She murmured fondly. "But we had only been dating a matter of months, and we weren't a strong enough couple to sustain it." She shrugged. "We parted amicably, and stayed really good friends, him and his sister Leah helping me so much through that time." She smiled, twining their fingers, drawing strength from him.

Castle squeezed her hand, smiling tenderly at her. "Did the two of you ever consider getting back together?" He fished quietly.

Kate looked up from their hands, facing him with sad, kind eyes. "Castle, once I'd had _you_ , there was never going to be anyone else." She told him softly, shaking her head at him ever thinking otherwise.

Castle let his smile go smug, knowing it was what would be expected, despite the fact her words had made his heart stumble in his chest. "Ruined you for other guys, huh?" He murmured cheekily, even if his heart wasn't in it.

"Castle," Kate started shyly, a loving smile playing on her lips as she gently cupped his cheek with the hand he wasn't holding, smoothing her thumb under his eye, making his eyes flutter for a moment, "you are my _always_ , no one would ever come close to competing." She promised sincerely.

Rick's heart sank, suddenly knowing that he had to tell her, hating it, but knowing that it wouldn't be fair to keep it from her in light of that statement.

"I had a girlfriend for a bit, while we were apart." He confessed quickly, blood turning to ice in his veins as he saw the betrayal hurtle through her, as Kate slipped her hands free of him and folded them in her lap.

" _Oh_." She breathed, her heart in her belly, her stomach in her toes.

* * *

" _Shit! I'm so sorry!" Rick exclaimed, reaching to catch the person he had just absentmindedly walked into on the street, far too distracted, as usual, to watch where he was going._

" _It's fine." The woman smiled softly. "I wasn't looking either."_

 _Rick looked up, his gaze drawn immediately to her sparkly sapphire eyes._

" _Trust me, it was probably all my fault." He laughed, with a crooked smile. "It normally is."_

 _The woman smiled at him, all brilliant white teeth and pink tongue. "Okay." She giggled. "Then it's all your fault." She joked._

 _Rick smiled. "Can I buy you another?" He asked, waving at her spilled drink, the cup rolling between them. Miraculous really that they didn't get any on themselves. "Can't deprive a lady of her coffee." He smiled graciously, his heart hammering in his chest._

 _What the hell was he doing?_

" _It was chai tea actually. I don't drink coffee, can't stand the stuff." She made a face, sticking out her tongue for emphasis and Rick found it adorable._

 _What the_ hell _was he doing?_

" _Then I'll buy you a chai tea." He smiled. "As an apology, given that it was_ definitely _all my fault." He chuckled, leading her into the coffee shop, a gentle hand at her back._

 _He had no idea why he was flirting,_ how _he was flirting, but it felt nice._

 _And the fact that she was the complete opposite of the woman who had left him, in both looks and apparent mannerisms, helped tremendously._

 _Emma, he had later learned over chai tea and cakes, was a chemistry professor. She had three nieces under five who she helped raise and was close to both parents. She worked hard and was a wonderful person._

 _Rick couldn't really pinpoint when or indeed_ how _it happened, but after a few weeks they were dating regularly._

 _He accompanied her to work dinners, because she was going to be bored stiff and wanted his company. She came to the loft for movie marathons._

 _They never talked about his ex muse, or the fact he was a writer who she had never seen write, or about the framed picture hidden in the top drawer of his desk, of him and three people she knew nothing about._

 _It was just fun and completely uncomplicated._

" _Hey, how are you feeling?" She murmured softly, coming up behind where he was sitting on the couch. She ran her hands across his shoulders, letting them slip down his chest slowly, soothing him._

 _Rick laid his head back, letting his hurting skull be pillowed by her ample chest, feeling a little better now she was with him._

" _I'm okay." He murmured, slipping his good hand up to hold hers._

 _He was eighteen months into therapy now, and his hand was nearly as fixed as any of them expected it to get, but he hated anyone touching it, hated using it to touch anyone else, especially Emma, her soft alabaster skin far to delicate for his rough ruined touch._

" _You're lucky you're cute when you lie, Rick." She murmured softly, leaning down to press an open-mouthed kiss to his neck._

 _He hummed, slipping his hand up to cup the back of her head, holding her mouth to his skin, her ice blonde, pin straight strands sliding between his fingers. "Em." He hummed, drawing the syllable out, earning a small chuckle from his girlfriend._

 _Emma moved her lips, kissing up to his ear, and then down into the neck of his shirt. "So, you told your daughter and she didn't hate you," Emma murmured, sliding her hand to the placket of his shirt, slowly popping his buttons one by one as she continued to press kisses to his skin between words, "Your mother didn't say anything, the media know, and the world didn't fall apart." She continued slowly, gently pulling apart the sides of his shirt to run her hands across his chest. "We've been together for five months and you haven't been dragged down to hellfire."_

 _Rick chuckled, an earlier conversation about how he would be dammed for all eternity if they rushed this coming back to him, as she had intended._

" _No, that is all true." He murmured throatily, turning his head to capture her lips in a clinging kiss, cupping the back of her head more completely._

 _They parted with a pop, kissing quickly once more before he let her continue._

" _And we have survived through you meeting my parents." She giggled, nuzzling his ear lobe with her nose, making him shiver._

" _Right again, Professor." He husked, knowing him calling her that made her knees weak._

" _So, I was wondering," she whispered slowly, gently sucking his ear lobe into her mouth, while her fingers flirted with his belt buckle, the furthest they had ever gotten towards finally consummating their relationship, "can I take you to bed, Rick?" She simpered._

* * *

"I _do_ wish you would stop replacing me with _fun_ and _uncomplicated_ blondes." Kate pushed out harshly, wanting to be sick, needing to be sick.

The thought of him with someone else made her throat burn, her stomach clench, her vision swim.

Rick sighed deeply, regretting it all over again. "She wasn't a replacement, Kate, I wasn't trying to _replace_ you. She, she was a _distraction_." He promised uselessly as he watched her just get smaller and smaller beside him.

"Yeah. That sounds familiar." She snapped, running her hand through her hair, leaving her hand tangled there as she turned away, putting her back to him, unable to look at him. She pressed the other hand to her mouth, clasping her face tightly, hoping to keep her coffee in her stomach.

He had the cheek to ask her about her relationship with Chester while the whole time he'd known he'd been with someone else?

"Yes, well, she knew she was treading on someone else's territory, when she tried to seduce me, and I moaned _your_ name around her tongue." Rick snapped back, feeling the embarrassment flood his system just as it had that night, embarrassment, and guilt, at betraying Kate and at hurting Emma. He couldn't stop himself falling for her, hadn't really tried if he was honest, but he hated himself for hurting them both. That hadn't been his intention.

Kate was horrified by the picture of him kissing another woman, horrified even further by the second-hand mortification for him.

There weren't many things more embarrassing than calling out the wrong name.

"How did she take it?" She asked quietly, not really knowing why she asked, why she cared, but she needed to know. Something in her wanted the story.

Rick shrugged, slumping back into the bench. "Pretty well really, all things considered. She wouldn't look me in the eye again, but she told me that it was okay, that she understood, that she wasn't mad before she walked away."

Kate hated herself for the happiness that fizzed a little in her blood at the thought of herself being so ingrained in him, that he thought of her even when he was with another woman. That she had still crossed his mind even when he was trying to take another woman to bed. Not that she still wasn't feeling the betrayal of him actually being with another woman.

They both paused, lost in their own thoughts for a moment.

"How long did you wait?" She asked him suddenly, insecure and quiet, as she managed to turn back round so they were both leaned against the back of the seat.

"Wait?" Rick asked mutedly, watching the tears build in her eyes as she nodded, pressing her lips together to hold back the sobbing fit she could feel building.

"Before you invited another woman to take my place in your life, your heart, your _bed_?" She pushed, voice cracking deeply.

"Kate…" He tried, getting as far as glancing her hand with his fingertips before she snatched it from his grasp.

"Answer the question Rick." She demanded, some of her dormant detective persona leaking back in, the act coming back to try and hide her breaking heart.

Rick sighed, knowing no matter what he said it would hurt her, no amount of time would make her feel better about it. "About a year, maybe just over." He confessed quietly, dejectedly. "Does it help if I tell you that I honestly didn't expect it, or plan for it to happen?"

Kate shook her head. "Not at all." She told him honestly.

Rick nodded, he'd expected that. "Okay."

* * *

 _Castle sighed deeply, pressing the phone to his ear, having a feeling this call wouldn't be well received._

" _Hello?" Jim Beckett's voice came across the line and Rick's breath stuttered.  
"Hey, Jim." He murmured, his heart sinking, regretting this call already. _

" _Katie's not here." The older man told him, no nonsense, as he had been the last time the man had called him._

 _Jim still wasn't sure why his daughter's ex-partner couldn't or indeed_ wouldn't _just call Katie. He would never understand why the man called him instead._

" _Is she okay?" Castle asked quietly, leaning back in his office chair. He ignored the two fingers of whiskey in his glass, something so innately wrong with drinking while talking to the man that he hoped would have become his father in law, especially given his history._

" _She's in California." Jim told him, knowing he was avoiding Rick's question but unwilling to tell him that Katie was far from okay._

" _How's she doing out there?" Castle rephrased, something deep inside him needing to know she was okay._

 _Emma had just collected the bag of things she had left here the night of the incident, and the heartbreak on her face had gutted him. He needed to stop hurting people, but he needed to know that Kate was okay. He needed to know that she was happy, otherwise he would never be able to forgive himself. He'd snapped at her, hurt her, started all of this._

 _Jim sighed._

 _He'd have to give him something or he'd never get Rick off the phone._

" _She's doing a fashion degree, working hard, looking for an apartment while she stays with a friend." He divulged slowly, not giving too many details away, but Kate hadn't asked him_ not _to tell the writer, so he'd give him something._

 _He could feel the man's need to know something, even through the phone. But he would still say his piece, was still far less than happy with him, especially recently._

" _Look, I don't know what happened between the two of you, and that is_ Katie's _information to share, but she finally doesn't sound_ broken _when we talk." He sighed, hurting for his daughter. "I know you have a new woman in your life, it's bad enough that the press knows. Please don't contact her and throw it in her face." Jim told him frankly, feeling a need to punch the man._

 _How dare he replace his daughter like that?_

 _But Katie hadn't approved of that 'defend thy honour' streak when she was a teenager and she would approve even less now, he was sure._

" _Let her heal from you if you don't want her."_

 _Castle didn't have time to respond before Jim ended the call._


	11. Chapter 11

"I thought you'd _gone_ Kate. I thought you had left me." Rick shrugged. "I thought that you thought that I was angry with you, so you took yourself out of the equation. I didn't ever expect you to come home." He told her quietly.

"I know." Kate murmured, swiping at her face.

"So, I, I tried to move on." He whispered. "I can't apologise for that."

Kate hiccupped, shaking her head ferociously. "I'm not _asking_ you to. I don't _want_ you to. I'm not angry at you."

Castle turned to her then, surprised and needing the story, twisting himself so his shoulder was against the bench, his leg folded under him.

Kate sighed softly. "I'm _shocked._ I'm hurt, though I guess I have no right to be _._ I hate that if we had just talked, everything would have been okay."

"You mean if other people hadn't interfered." Rick murmured, shaking his head sadly.

Kate looked up at him quizzically. "People, plural? I, I can only think of, Alexis." She asked quietly, confused.

Castle winced, unsure how much he wanted to reveal here. "I uh, I called your dad, occasionally."

Kate stiffened beside him.

"He, let's just say he was less than encouraging of my wanting to call you." Castle shrugged.

"He never told me." Kate sighed deeply, tentatively slipping her hand over his knee, her heart starting to mend when he slipped his hand to cover hers. "All my dad saw, was that one minute, we were happy, and okay, and thriving, and then the precinct happened, and suddenly I was ignoring my phone, and hurting myself over worrying about you, and moving to a different part of the country to get away from it all. We never sat down, he and I, and talked about it all. Everything was too raw immediately after, and I was recovering physically, and by the time I had processed enough to really talk about it, I was in California and dad never bought it up, because that's what we Beckett's do. Tragedy happens, and we bottle it, bury it, and hope to God it never comes up again."

Castle swiped his thumb over the back of her hand. As a father, he understood the protective instinct, the need to protect your child, he just wished it had been handled differently by all of them.

"I tried to call, a couple of times." Kate murmured suddenly. "I got really sick, about three years after. I tried to call you."

Rick's eyes widened, and his jaw slackened in shock. "What?"

* * *

 _Kate winced, hard, as she tried her best to swallow the sip of water she had taken, trying to get it down her horrendously swollen throat. The doctor, Chester had forced her to go to, said that if she couldn't swallow water, she would have to go to hospital for IV fluids and antibiotics. She knew she was getting to that point fast but wanted to hold off on that as long as possible. She hated hospitals, even more so when she would be there alone._

 _Chester had tried to keep her company as much as he could, but between KC Clothing, his nieces, and his budding relationship with a girl he had met, he could hardly sit beside her all night._

 _Kate had just got somewhat comfy in bed after trying to swallow enough to keep her hydrated, when she heard the tell-tale sound of her front door opening._

 _She had only had one other key cut when she had moved in, and had kept it as her spare, no one to share with nowadays, but when she realised how sick she was rapidly becoming, Kate had asked Chester to take it, so he could help her with groceries, and mail, and check in on her when he could. It had been two weeks and she had lost thirteen pounds already, thirteen pounds she couldn't really afford to lose._

" _Hey, Becks, how are you feeling?" Chester murmured as he made his way into her bedroom, sitting beside her curled body, laying another cool wash cloth on her forehead._

" _Crappy." Kate croaked, her throat barely allowing her to swallow, let alone talk._

" _Oh, Babe." He clucked parentally, squeezing her hip gently. "Can I get you anything?" He asked softly._

 _Kate was about to shake her head, not knowing of anything that would make her feel any better, when a long dormant pang went off in her chest. She wanted_ him _, she wanted her_ family _._

" _Can you get me my phone?" She tried to smile for him when Chester leaned over and passed her the device from the nightstand._

" _I'll leave you to it, just putting away some stuff then I'll come back and sit with you if you want?" Chester murmured._

" _Thank you." She nodded, smiling when he pressed a kiss to her shoulder before he left._

 _Kate let her thumb hover over the contact for a moment, before screwing her courage and letting it dial. She cradled the phone to her ear, begging it silently to connect, but the ringing stopped abruptly after the fourth ring. She hadn't really expected Alexis to pick up but knowing she had rejected the call stung more than she wanted to admit. She had wanted to ask if the girl thought it was okay, but she wanted to call so badly._

 _The pain and infection were starting to pull her into delirium and all she could think about was how much she wanted to be at the loft, how much she wanted him to hold her, and stroke her hair, and let her cry on his shoulder. She needed him, wanted his comfort so badly and before she knew what she was doing she had pulled up his contact and it was ringing._

 _Unlike the younger Castle, her father didn't cut off the call, but it still took her to his voicemail when it rang out._

" _Hey, Castle." Kate found herself croaking, sure she sounded terrible but unable to not leave him a message after hearing his voice greet her for the first time in years, prerecording or otherwise. "I'm sick." She murmured, feeling pathetic. "Like, really sick. They keep threatening to take me to hospital. I don't wanna go." She whined. "Don't like hospitals. Last time was when I broke you. I'm so sorry I broke you Rick. I really was trying to help. I wish I could go back, I wish I could fix you, fix us, fix everything." She trailed off sadly. "I really need you, not just now, but always and I would do anything to have you here, Rick."_

 _She shook her head to herself, hanging up and pushing the phone away. He clearly didn't need her, but she wished like a child on shooting stars that he wanted her, because she wanted_ him _more than oxygen to breathe._

 _Almost two weeks and a three-day hospital stay later, Kate was finally well enough to return to normal. She went back to work, threw herself into her business and carried on. She had never received a reply and her wall was firmly back in place. He didn't want her, and she would make sure she never let herself want him again._


	12. Chapter 12

"I never got that message, Kate." Rick murmured, soft but urgent, squeezing her hand in his tightly. "You know I would have at least called if I had, even if I was angry with you, I would've called to make sure you were alright, but I never got that message."

Kate nodded. She didn't _know_ that, not anymore. But she did know that he wouldn't lie to her while they were trying to fix everything. He wouldn't jeopardise the tentative progress they had already made.

Rick sighed softly, before standing and wiping his clammy palms on his thighs. "Are you alright to keep going?" He asked carefully, wanting, needing, to move, but knowing that if she was in pain, he would sit there all night.

Kate nodded, accepting the hand he carefully held out for her and let him help her to stand. "Where are we going?" She asked quietly.

"We're going to hail a cab, and then we're going to the loft. Alexis should be home by now, and I want a few words with her." Rick told her, already looking for a taxi.

Kate hesitated, pulling him to a stop, biting her lip when he looked at her quizzically. "Shouldn't you do that between the two of you? Shouldn't that conversation be private?" She asked quietly. She had never wanted to get between them, to adversely affect their relationship, had always been afraid of that.

"Kate, she messed with both of our lives. We should both be there." Rick insisted firmly, squeezing her hand, trying to reassure her.

"You're her father, Rick. This should be between the two of you, I don't need to be there to watch." She shook her head, taking a step back, pulling away.

"Kate," Castle murmured, closing the distance between them again, "I don't want you to watch. I want you to stand in front of her, beside me, and highlight to her how much more difficult she made an already devastating situation. I want her to have to look you in the eye when I make her explain to us what the hell she thought she was doing, and to hear any and all justifications she may have." Rick smiled at her tentatively. "I would really like us to try and get back to what we were before, and I think having this conversation with her, together, is our first step."

Kate sighed softly. "Okay." She whispered, nodding, closing her eyes, trying to drown out the fact that even though she always tried to not get between them, she had always been the elephant in the room, especially after the bomb. She hated that she had gotten in the way of parent and child but had to accept that Alexis' apparent vendetta against her was only partially her fault, and quite a lot of it was just Alexis.

Rick hailed a passing cab, holding open the door for Kate to slide in before getting in himself, reciting his address to the driver, managing to flash the man a smile he didn't really feel. This conversation was going to be awful, and he had no idea where he and his daughter's relationship would stand on the other side of it.

He and Kate were sat about as far away as they could be, without pressing themselves into their doors, and he couldn't help his heart aching.

He had spent five years without her, because of miscommunications, and now they had finally started to sort out what was real and what was perceived, he wanted her close. But he knew they had to take this slow. That Kate had lived thinking he had rejected her over and over and she needed time to come to terms with the truth, just as he did.

Rick sighed softly, leaning his head back, eyes closed, his hands clasped in his lap. "I uh, I came to California, about a year ago." He murmured softly, bringing Kate back into being present after being lost in her own thoughts up to now.

"Oh?" She enquired carefully when he didn't offer anything more.

Rick nodded, clearing his throat. "Yeah. Alexis wanted to go see her mom, and I needed the distraction, so I went out with her." He opened his eyes, staring at the dull grey of the cab roof. "I ended up at one of your shows."

"You came to a fashion show? For KC?" Kate asked, shocked, pulling herself up to sit more rigidly while she watched him. "When?"

"June time, last year. It was amazing, seeing your hard work brought to life." He murmured, smiling weakly but he wasn't able to give her his gaze, eyes firmly lodged on the ceiling above him.

* * *

 _He absolutely should not be here. This was absolutely the worst idea he'd had for a while._

 _But when he had heard about the show, he couldn't help himself, had bribed his way into the closed show, had bribed a bit more to keep his real name off the list. If he wanted Kate to know he was there, he'd tell her himself._

 _He couldn't help the bubble of pride that swelled in his chest, as he watched the dozen or so models walk the catwalk, showing off Kate's designs. He had no right to be proud of her anymore, not his to be prideful over, but he was still so very proud of her._

 _He watched, and listened, and read the information provided and couldn't help but be so enormously proud of her. She had done something that was so incredible, for so many people, and while he was always proud of her when she was a detective, always thought she had hung the moon with that gold shield on her hip, he couldn't help but be overwhelmed by her strength. Especially given that she had had to dust herself off and start all over again after the bomb and had still managed to find a career where she was making a positive impact in people's lives._

 _While functionality was clearly the main focus, KC Clothing's garments were still beautiful. High end materials and tailor-made fits all bundled into an actually reasonable price for what each garment offered. Rick was enamoured with them, would want to own them even if they hadn't been designed and created by his ex-girlfriend._

 _As the show began coming to its end, Rick felt his heartrate kick up and his palms start to get clammy, both dreading and eagerly anticipating when the designers would come onto the stage. He couldn't face her, couldn't wait to see her, was horribly uncomfortable and elated at the thought. And then suddenly there she was, an absolute vision in a royal purple waterfall dress, hand in hand with a tall blonde man in a grey suit and purple tie. They smiled. and said a few words each, watching the crowd, both of them were perfectly at ease, both on the stage and with each other._

 _Rick had always been intuitive, especially when it came to Kate Beckett, and he was pretty sure the man to her left was not a romantic partner but watching her so at ease with another man did sting, even if he knew he had no right to that reaction, not anymore and not after Emma._

 _The crowd stood from their seats to applaud the designers and Rick quietly left the room. He couldn't, no matter how much he wanted to, stay, and talk to her now. He was a coward, couldn't watch her flitting around the room, so perfectly her and not feel his heart break, so he left._

 _His phone was already in hand as he came to the lobby, KC's website loaded and his shopping cart full before he had even made it fully through the doors. He needed the extra help the clothing would provide, and he wanted to do some small part to help her. Once the payment had gone through, he took his cheque book out from his pocket and wrote a figure that he knew Kate would chastise him for if she ever found out. But she deserved it, KC Clothing deserved it. He signed and dated it, passing it to a member of her team with strict instructions to keep it anonymous. The young man nodded, eyes widening at the number and by the time he looked up to query if it was for real, Rick had fled the building._

* * *

"I saw you and bottled it, couldn't bring myself to talk to you, ran away, after writing a cheque and buying a load of your shirts online in the lobby." Rick explained softly, his mind still running through that day. He shook his head and turned to her, only to find a strange look on Kate's face. "What's that look for?"

Kate shook her head, feeling empty at the memories he was evoking. Hating that it seemed, once again, if they had just both been braver, and communicated, then this could have all been over sooner. "I thought I saw you, but I told myself I was imagining it." She sighed deeply, staring at her fingers. "I did that sometimes, saw your face places you weren't, but I hoped you would be." She murmured, no idea how much that thought was breaking Rick's heart.


	13. Chapter 13

Author's Note:- There are no flashbacks in this chapter and I think there will probably be less and less now as we continue. I have had a very terrible month and I couldn't write a word until yesterday due to sickness and personal tragedy. NYLF

* * *

" _Alexis_?!" Rick called as he pushed open the loft door, keeping his hand hovering at Kate's back, feeling slightly like a teenager afraid to touch his first date, but he didn't want to spook her again, and needed them both on their game for this conversation. It would be hard enough without having to manage on his own.

"Maybe she's still out?" Kate asked, unhappy to find how happy she was at the prospect. She wasn't comfortable with this conversation, despite knowing that it was needed.

Rick shot her a look, feeling her unease ebbing off her, before he heard a door close on the top floor of the loft.

"Dad? You home?" Alexis asked, flying down to the middle of the stairs before she noticed the ex detective. "I didn't realise you had _company_." She practically hissed, giving Kate a once over that made the elder woman's skin crawl.

"I do. Kate and I met at the memorial." Rick smiled, masking his displeasure somewhat well. "We've talked, a _lot_." He continued, pointedly, and he watched Alexis' hackles rise, her face blanching even as her eyes hardened. "We need to talk." He told her, voice hard as diamond and his glare like ice.

Alexis faltered for half a second before trudging down the remaining stairs and slumping into the couch. Rick moved forward, intent on joining her, but Kate didn't move.

"What's up?" He asked, quietly, standing in front of her like a riot shield, his hands coming to gently rest on her biceps. Kate shook her head. "Kate…?"

"I don't feel comfortable having this conversation." She murmured, unable to look him in the eye. "It's going to dredge it all back up, and cause problems between the two of you, and I _hate_ that."

"Kate," Rick sighed softly, forgoing the boundaries they'd been flirting with and wrapping his arms around her, feeling her tense as his fingers met in the middle of her back, noticing, and remembering, when she relaxed as he lowered his hold, interesting. "Listen, okay? It's gonna suck, neither of us are under any illusions that it won't, but it needs to be done. Even if we just go back to being friends, we have to clear the air."

Kate nodded, reciprocating Rick's reassuring smile with a weak, watery version of her own. "Okay." She murmured, letting him gently take her hand with his complete one as they walked, as one unit, towards the couch.

"So, what, you two are _together_ now?" Alexis asked petulantly, shooting them both the filthiest of looks, unimpressed when they both ignored her.

Rick sat on the edge of the coffee table, in front of his daughter, meaning he could somewhat stop her if she tried to leave, while Kate curled into the corner of the couch, her leg tucked under her, facing them both, but happy to be physically and emotionally on the side-lines here.

"No, we are not. You made sure of that, didn't you?" Rick was sure to keep his tone calm but honestly, he was more sad than angry. How did it get from where they were going, to Alexis hating his ex to the point she would purposely keep them apart?

"She _left_ , while you were still in _surgery_!" Alexis cried, self-righteous. She knew that Kate was bad for her father and would make him see it if it killed her.

"Yes, she did. And she deeply regrets that. But I also told her, while we were trapped that it was her fault that my hand was damaged."

"It _was_." Alexis interrupted petulantly, not feeling the joy she'd expected when she noticed the former detective was crying.

"No. It wasn't." Rick continued, trying to stay calm. "She saved my leg, lifted a desk with a bruised lung and a spinal fracture."

"They equated it to hysterical strength, Burke did too." Kate murmured, wiping her face, and trying to ignore how all the attention in the room snapped to her. "They said it's like when mothers lift cars to save their kids and stuff. Adrenaline kicks in and you forget everything else, because, someone you love is in danger."

"You didn't love him." Alexis spat.

Kate huffed a note of laughter she didn't feel. "I was going to tell him just how much I loved him at dinner that night, but then the bomb went off and everything went to hell." She confessed, dragging her gaze to find Rick's, feeling the love and happiness radiate out of him and through her blood stream. "I didn't do enough, but I tried very hard to make sure he was safe before I left." She sighed. "My timing is always terrible, but I have loved your father for a very long time."

"Well I'm not sure being loved by you is all that great. You always made out that Kevin Ryan was family and you didn't even go to his funeral." Alexis tossed out, careless and determined to hurt, succeeding if the collapse of Kate's chest told her anything.

"How _dare_ you!?" Rick raged, unable to keep it steady. "You do not _ever_ get to throw that at her. _Never_."

"Well she _didn't_!" Alexis fought back, the ice in her eyes blazing.

"I _did,_ actually. I came back for his, and for Jenny's. I've been to see them several times. Have asked for their forgiveness for not doing more to help. Kevin wouldn't hold a grudge, he doesn't need you to do it for him." Kate murmured, voice thick with tears but knowing in her heart it was all true.

"You called Kate and _terrified_ her because she thought something had happened to me, and you used that time to tell her to stay away from us." Rick continued, needing to get it all out on the table, needing to get it all out if there was ever going to be any kind of resolution.

"I told her you were okay." Alexis murmured.

"Yes, and berated her in the same breath. Kate's actions may not have been ideal, but it was not your place to get involved." He told her in no uncertain terms.

"It's not like she was gonna ever come back anyway." His daughter shrugged, feeling like this whole line of conversation was a moot point. "She left, she was never gonna come back."

"Actually, I packed my things Alexis, was packing my bag while on the phone to you," Kate cut in quietly, "I apologised to you, told you that you were right and that I was coming home. You made it clear I wasn't welcome."

"You _weren't_." Alexis shrugged.

"Yes, she _was_ , she was _always_ welcome here and if you had consulted me before going behind my back you would have known that." Rick dismissed her.

"She's not good enough for you, she's a coward and she runs at the first sign of anything that isn't a picket fence…" Alexis continued, on the verge of angry, frustrated tears. She had done the right thing, why could no one see that?

"You are my _child_ and I _love_ you," Castle started, calm and trying to be patient, "but you have no idea what you're talking about. And you have no right to comment on this. You were not in that precinct like Kate and I were, and you have no idea what we have been through. She would have come home, we would have sorted this all five years ago if you hadn't stuck your oar in, and then you had the audacity to lie to my face, over and over, when I asked if you'd heard from her."

"You didn't need her, were doing so well without her." Alexis cried.

"I was _drowning_ Alexis!" Rick cried back, losing his composure. "The only thing stopping me drinking myself to oblivion was the thought of how disappointed she would be in me."

Kate unfurled herself, pulling herself to sit on the edge of her seat, leaning over to clasp his hand in her own. "I would have been _heartbroken_ , not disappointed." She promised softly, pressing her face into his palm when he dropped her hand to cup her cheek.

"You nearly lost one man to the bottle, I wasn't going to make you lose me too." He murmured, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

"Alexis," Kate addressed, sitting up a little so she could look at the girl steadfastly not looking at her, "my spinal fracture worsened, and my lung collapsed, and everyone around me wanted to call your father, but I had too much respect for _you_ , was trying to keep your relationship with your father solid, and so I wouldn't let them." She told her softly.

"You never told me that." Rick murmured, a little tense once again at the thought of her in surgery and he couldn't be there.

"It wasn't," Kate shook her head, squeezing his hand, "I was so worried about you I broke myself." She shrugged, smiling self-deprecatingly. "I was fine after surgery, but I wouldn't let my father call you because Alexis asked me to leave you alone." She turned to the girl, trying to reach her even if she couldn't physically touch her. "I, I loved you enough Alexis that I needed to let your relationship with your father be my priority, even though I wanted nothing more than to come home."

"And yet you're still coming between us, still causing this rift between us." Alexis pointed out, sullen and stubborn.

"Actually Alexis, she has done nothing but defend you, all night, don't you dare pass this off like she is the only problem here." Rick lectured.

"She never even _contacted_ you!" Alexis was grasping at straws and she knew it. "If she _loved_ you so much why didn't she even _call_?"

"Well according to Kate, she _did_." He began sternly. "There was a voicemail that I apparently never received, and I am hoping with every fibre of my being that you had nothing to do with that Alexis."

She refused to speak, to even look up, but both adults could see it written all over her face. Rick felt his heart drop, even as Kate sighed softly, having suspected all along that this was what had happened.

"Oh _god_ , Alexis _really_? Did you hate my being happy with her so much? Kate was very, _very_ sick and _needed_ me and you deleted her voicemail?" He asked, incredulous and hurt.

"You deserve better than her. You were moving on, dating other women, finally realising you were better without her…"

"I have never been nor, will I ever be, better without her Alexis." Rick interrupted harshly, his voice hard as granite. "She is the love of my life and I have never been so disappointed in you."

"Well fine then, pick her, I'll leave." Alexis cried, standing to storm off but both adults stood with her.

"No, you won't." Kate murmured, shocking them both, backing up while she spoke.

"Kate…" Rick sighed but she shook her head.

"No. This right here is why I stayed away. I will not be the reason that you lose your relationship with your daughter." Kate shook her head. "I love you, Rick." She gave him a small smile even as the tears tumbled down her face. "But I won't do this to you. I won't be the reason you lose your child."

Rick crossed the room, to her side, gently fitting his hands around her hips. "No." He leaned in, resting his forehead against hers, feeling her trembling against him. "You are not leaving like this."

"Rick, she _hates_ me. I can't compete with that." She murmured, biting her lip to stop herself sobbing, just.

Rick sighed, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her into his chest, wishing he knew what to say. But she was right, how would they ever work if his daughter despised her?


End file.
